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attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**

Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36

so much has happened. just a few hours ago got out. out of "the center".
last tuesday after my T appt, something happened, i'm not sure but i think it was an extreme bipolar mixed episode. i left my T's office went directly into his front office bathroom started to cry then angrily downed all my sonata and xanax, i wrote a S. note, handed it to receptionist and drove home. as i sat sleepily on my back porch smoking my last cig. i hear a muffled siren and a few minutes saw a police officer, then two, then four, then 2 paramedics (firetruck) and ambulance people.
they carried me up the hill to the front yard and into the bus.
got charcoled and spent night in hosp. then because i was brought in on an epc (emergency protective custody) ....then they sent me via cop to "the center".(where you recieved absolutely NO treatment it is basically a holding place). they gave me no medications and have been off everything since last tues. am now waiting till have pdoc appt. friday.
_when i was in the hosp (overnight) my pdoc did rush to come see me the next morning before i was moved. he was frantic that i didn't call him, that i was under an epc, he knew i'd get sent to this "center". was was literally almost hysterically shaking his head putting it in his hands and saying they have their "own doctors there". i can't even see you. i have no privaleges, it's out of my hands, it's out of my hands now. why didn't you call?" i told him it's ok cuz the nurse thought i'd be out in one or two days..he shook his head quickly and said "NO, no you won't, you'll probably be there for two weeks...i won't even be able to see you there..."
the fear started to sink in. now i know why, he knew what it was like in there, that's why he was so upset.

i'm so tired right now. that place was a living nightmare. i've never been so alone, scared for my physical and mental safety. while i was in there my T came (next day) and terminated me.
That place is unsafe, threatening by both staff and "innmates". roaches, spiders, prison inmates waiting to go to halfway houses, drug addicts, violent schizophrenics (one that physically assaulted three people while i was there...that i saw anyway)
my first night i had this...horrible experience (to me anyway-vulnerable with my issues) and when the next day (day shift) found out they wanted me to file a grievence on the night shift but...i knew better, i knew if i'd be stuck there a while i'd "regret it".
food?? manytimes not completley cooked (raw), mostly served cold. we were all happy yesterday when for the first time we had a hot lunch a bowl of barbeque beans, i never thought i'd be happy for stupid hot beans...oh but they did have bread too, they always had bread...
-and that my friends is only the beginning.

i'm out. that experience changed me forever. i can't even show emotion over it yet. i'm sure i have some ptsd from this experience.
i am sleep deprived- sleeping 1 hour first night, 2 next and four hours each night after that, i've lost 9 lbs since last tues morning. i have bruises all over i think cuz of anemia. i jump at little noises/door openings, and keep hearing that violent schizophrenic's whisperings that she always did. if you've ever seen someone that looked posessed-she caught me in the bathroom one morning i was frozen-she was one inch away(behind me- about on my back- wispering "you f#cking b#tch -i'm having your baby you g*d da@n whore, i'm gonna kill you, but i'm having your baby-you B#tch."-and so on, luckily just then 2 staff members came in and got her attention then drug her off back into isolation. i never turned around.

i'm released but on "probation" for 90 days i need to "follow through with treatment"-like no sh$t people.
man they f#cked with our heads there..

i'm so tired, i just hope i can sleep tonight. it's lights on for sure, but i'll cuddle as close as i can with my husband tonight.
i love you all and missed you...incredibly. it is SO good to be home.

oh, and as for suicidal??? Ha, i haven't felt this lucid in a long time. i feel great, i just can't wait to see my pdoc, get back on meds (from scratch this time) and go see a new T.

i am so relieved to be out.

i'm taking a week off work so may not post much, stil need rest. break.
have i said i love you?!





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poster:B2chica thread:390892