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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
so much has happened. just a few hours ago got out. out of "the center".
last tuesday after my T appt, something happened, i'm not sure but i think it was an extreme bipolar mixed episode. i left my T's office went directly into his front office bathroom started to cry then angrily downed all my sonata and xanax, i wrote a S. note, handed it to receptionist and drove home. as i sat sleepily on my back porch smoking my last cig. i hear a muffled siren and a few minutes saw a police officer, then two, then four, then 2 paramedics (firetruck) and ambulance people.
they carried me up the hill to the front yard and into the bus.
got charcoled and spent night in hosp. then because i was brought in on an epc (emergency protective custody) ....then they sent me via cop to "the center".(where you recieved absolutely NO treatment it is basically a holding place). they gave me no medications and have been off everything since last tues. am now waiting till have pdoc appt. friday.
_when i was in the hosp (overnight) my pdoc did rush to come see me the next morning before i was moved. he was frantic that i didn't call him, that i was under an epc, he knew i'd get sent to this "center". was was literally almost hysterically shaking his head putting it in his hands and saying they have their "own doctors there". i can't even see you. i have no privaleges, it's out of my hands, it's out of my hands now. why didn't you call?" i told him it's ok cuz the nurse thought i'd be out in one or two days..he shook his head quickly and said "NO, no you won't, you'll probably be there for two weeks...i won't even be able to see you there..."
the fear started to sink in. now i know why, he knew what it was like in there, that's why he was so upset.i'm so tired right now. that place was a living nightmare. i've never been so alone, scared for my physical and mental safety. while i was in there my T came (next day) and terminated me.
That place is unsafe, threatening by both staff and "innmates". roaches, spiders, prison inmates waiting to go to halfway houses, drug addicts, violent schizophrenics (one that physically assaulted three people while i was there...that i saw anyway)
my first night i had this...horrible experience (to me anyway-vulnerable with my issues) and when the next day (day shift) found out they wanted me to file a grievence on the night shift but...i knew better, i knew if i'd be stuck there a while i'd "regret it".
food?? manytimes not completley cooked (raw), mostly served cold. we were all happy yesterday when for the first time we had a hot lunch a bowl of barbeque beans, i never thought i'd be happy for stupid hot beans...oh but they did have bread too, they always had bread...
-and that my friends is only the beginning.i'm out. that experience changed me forever. i can't even show emotion over it yet. i'm sure i have some ptsd from this experience.
i am sleep deprived- sleeping 1 hour first night, 2 next and four hours each night after that, i've lost 9 lbs since last tues morning. i have bruises all over i think cuz of anemia. i jump at little noises/door openings, and keep hearing that violent schizophrenic's whisperings that she always did. if you've ever seen someone that looked posessed-she caught me in the bathroom one morning i was frozen-she was one inch away(behind me- about on my back- wispering "you f#cking b#tch -i'm having your baby you g*d da@n whore, i'm gonna kill you, but i'm having your baby-you B#tch."-and so on, luckily just then 2 staff members came in and got her attention then drug her off back into isolation. i never turned around.i'm released but on "probation" for 90 days i need to "follow through with treatment"-like no sh$t people.
man they f#cked with our heads there..i'm so tired, i just hope i can sleep tonight. it's lights on for sure, but i'll cuddle as close as i can with my husband tonight.
i love you all and missed you...incredibly. it is SO good to be home.oh, and as for suicidal??? Ha, i haven't felt this lucid in a long time. i feel great, i just can't wait to see my pdoc, get back on meds (from scratch this time) and go see a new T.
i LOVE YOU All So MUCH.
i LOVE YOU
i LOVE YOU
i LOVE YOU.
i am so relieved to be out.i'm taking a week off work so may not post much, stil need rest. break.
have i said i love you?!B2chica.
Posted by tabitha on September 15, 2004, at 0:43:58
In reply to attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
Welcome back to the land of the living. What an awful ordeal, but you sound good now, like it was a turnaround point for you, somehow reconnected you with simple pleasures or something. Please keep us posted after your break. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by antigua on September 15, 2004, at 4:46:53
In reply to attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
I'm really glad you made it back and through that ordeal. Get some rest and please, please know that we care.
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on September 15, 2004, at 9:24:32
In reply to attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
Oh my goodness, B2C. I was worried about you, and I can see for good reason. I'm so sorry you went through that, and no wonder you are traumatized.
I'm so glad you are home. Enjoy being there with your husband
Be well, and post when you can.
((((((((((B2C)))))))))))
gg
Posted by pegasus on September 15, 2004, at 12:46:13
In reply to attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
Good lord! B2C, I had wondered where you were. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this traumatic experience. And it sounds like you've lost your pdoc on top of it all. Why did he keep asking you why you didn't call? Didn't you give a note to his receptionist? I would have thought that would accomplish the same thing.
I'm very glad to hear you sounding relatively good, in spite of everything. I guess it's good to be reminded what is wonderful about our every day lives.
Please take care of yourself! I'm so glad that you gave your note to someone, so they found you before it was too late. It sounds like you're planning to talk to a new T about it all, which is really good. Please keep us updated.
(((B2C)))
pegasus
Posted by B2chica on September 15, 2004, at 17:11:23
In reply to Re: attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggerin, posted by pegasus on September 15, 2004, at 12:46:13
THANKS for the great support ALL!
i am now feeling great, but angry. not intense, not psychotic not mood disordered d@mnit, just normal (expected) angry about that "place".i feel better than i have in a year-i wish it would last. i feel i'm the best advocate for myself right now and can Actually express what needs to be said. i know exactly what direction i want to see my tx go and what meds and dosages i want to try, i think my new pdoc will be great and listen to me.
I have my new pdoc who is the one that kept asking why i didn't call him-i only saw him once and he was-well i think he was so upset 1)cuz i didn't call him and 2)cuz he knew what that place was like...he knew... (it was my T that terminated me, it was in his office right after our session that i downed the pills). to be honest i think i scared the cr@p out of him. i still very much respect him and am sad that i lost him- he was very smart, articulate and helpful but with the wrong meds and confusion i wasn't able to give inorder to get back what i needed. it's now that i could really open up to him-TELL him i need to see more of him and if not then maybe i should look as something else, it is now that i can actually talk about my issues...it's ironic isn't it??
but i believe that everyone i meet is for a reason, even though short-he helped me understand the T process, he was funny, easygoing and we clicked-but i just needed something more. Also my T hooked me up with my new pdoc the friday before my attempt. So see, we met for a reason and just enough time for all the things that needed to happen to happen.and i know all that happened (od and other stuff) for a reason. i'm lucid and off all my meds and can clearly be reevaluated by new pdoc and T and express what I (I) want to see happen with my treatment. when i was all messed up i couldn't do that. i was snowballing introversion-worse and worse=frustration! eek!.
did i mention i think i was experiencing a mixed bipolar state at the time of attempt, i think pushed into effect by T's session.
all this i can now discuss with my new pdoc and get a new T that can maybe help me out.
I AM strong, i WILL NOT let this cr@p beat me...(i say with my cocky and strongwilled evil eye)now the next couple weeks will be tough in that i will almost need to be a strength for my parents (mostly "mother" cuz it's usually about her) and my husband, who although is a little better -is rightfully scared and unsure.
Time for the aggresssive educator in me to come out. But i need to be careful and balance that with me cuz i AM still weak and don't need that kind of stress.I just thank God i have this place that you'all understand what i'm saying. i know they just all want to help but them pushing their idea of what will "fix" me is not going to help. but what's great is i'm feeling myself right now and can be my normal blunt self and just say, i don't need your crap right now- i understand you're scared and want to help but don't push it.
i'm seeing my parents tonight for the first time since that night, but then i don't want to really see them again till next week.
i need support right now not questions or sad looks from them, not me feeling i need to explain or support them.You guys are AWESOME for understanding that.
although i'm peeking in again i'm not reading others posts...i'm afraid it might trigger something. but know i love all you'all and i am ALWAYS shoving out my good vibes and prayers (everyday) for my babble friends and anything they /YOU may be going through.Lots of Love.
B2c.
Posted by Susan47 on September 15, 2004, at 23:00:57
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2chica on September 15, 2004, at 17:11:23
It's an emotionally tender time for you and your loved ones. This will be as hard as it is, and it'll all work the way it's supposed to. At least, I believe that. ((((B2chica))))
Posted by ghost on September 18, 2004, at 14:30:03
In reply to attempt S.(od) experience **possible triggering**, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2004, at 22:43:36
Posted by TexasChic on September 20, 2004, at 19:20:42
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2chica on September 15, 2004, at 17:11:23
Oh my god b2chica! I can't believe we almost lost you! I've been in a slump and am just now reading these posts. I'm outraged on your behalf for what went on at the center. You would think in this age of enlightenment they would have something better than that. I'm so glad you survived. Please know my thoughts are with you and that I care about you. When something happens to one of our babblers, its like it happens to all of us. We understand because it could have been us.
Imagine us being over your shoulder, cheering you on, (and pitching a fit when you aren't treated right). Rest and be good to yourself. I'm so glad you're still with us.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 21, 2004, at 10:25:08
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2chica on September 15, 2004, at 17:11:23
B2, I hope you are still doing well. I have thought often about you and I'm sending healing thoughts your way. Take care,
pc
Posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 11:48:46
In reply to I love you too. I'm glad you survived. xoxo (nm) » B2chica, posted by ghost on September 18, 2004, at 14:30:03
Posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 12:25:13
In reply to Re: attempt S.... » B2chica, posted by TexasChic on September 20, 2004, at 19:20:42
believe me, i'm VERY glad to be here...but some is worse.
yesterday was my first day back to work _came back too soon i think.
i got reamed for 1/2 hour from my boss. course i was 20 min late but he new i'm off meds and only averaged 2.5 hours of sleep for 7 days! anyway, he basically/he did say, i should be thankful cuz most employers wouldn't put up with this much, that they've "bent over backwards to accomodate me." but that he hired me to do work and it needed to get done. I am now on an "EXTREME probation". i WILL be to work from 9-5, i will Not be "allowed" in the building after 5:00, am no longer allowed internet use unless it's specific to an assignment. that i am no longer allowed to "chat" with friends here at work (all 2 of them). and will be tracking every piece of work that i do.
he then had the nerve to go up to one of my friends upstairs and told her that if i come up to talk with her that she is to "send me back downstairs where i belong" (offensive). luckly my friend is 50 and is VERY well worded, she told him what SHE thought of his demands on her-she had no intentions of abiding and that he better be REAL careful who else he 'talks' too that he could end up with a lawsuit on his hands-talking to other coworkers about my 'situation'. anyway. then he pulled me off my other 'co-boss', and that major project. this breaks my heart, i LOVE the work i get to do for him, i've been working toward the project all summer and he was going to run first subjects this week!! i am furious and disappointed, no dang it i'm sad.
So i lost my T, i lost one of my bosses'-though not his choice, i'm constantly exhausted but if i take off work this week?? well this is the first time in 5 years where he's EVER basically said my job is on the line here. i can't even imagine not working in research...i can't.
my work has been the one stable thing in my life, my saftey net.
Also, i have to keep on happy for my husband and family cuz their all (rightfully) scared to leave me alone, if i look even a little sad or disappointed or verbally express anything remotely depressed they stick like glue. now, i understand why-their scared. but MAN! if i don't cover emotions i get lecture on "talking" and calling them, or asking "what's wrong" ALL THE TIME! if i do cover then that's not helping me either.it just seems like the people who are "saying" they are there for me and 'helping me through this' are actually the ones making things worse!
can any (all) of you relate?
i know i'm used to taking care of them, and unfortunately i'm starting to do that again-assuring them, perking up for them, sitting through CONSTANT lectures of how i need to listen to people and talk to them....aaarrrrggghhhh!
the funny thing is, my husband says i should talk with him and my friends, well, now some of my "friends" continually tell me most marriages don't make it through, and i need to think about whether or not i want to keep trying!
ya, like that's helping! i did tell my pdoc that and he just briefly replied well, it IS just that..their opinion" but then the time was up so i left.
it seems like my priest was the only one that really said what i needed to hear, that sometimes things aren't better discussed with everyone. meaning he knows i have some underlying 'issues' with my past (though he doesn't know specifics) and he said sometimes telling family members or others can just make things worse either for you or for your family-he said to start with talking to a priest/pdoc etc., and go from there.
Finally someone who is saying it maybe ok not to tell family EVERYTHING. (depending of course...) but it just seemed like my family and friends are just so black and white about this whole thing!OH, one last vent. when my boss was talking with that friend. and since he's so used to being the 'expert' in his field he's suddenly become this Expert in people with bipolar so he mentioned that i was late and that i said it was my medication, he said to her (and i quote) that "they" tend to use that as an excuse..."they"...THEY, THEY!!!! my jaw dropped when i heard this! have you ever heard a more generalized phrase then this!! NOt to even MENTION about trueness to it REALLY effecting work (and other real life issues)
luckily she said dave, given the fact that B2 just got out of the center and how long i've been on this medication, that it IS possible it really is the medications (just started)? don't you think it Really Could be her meds?(somewhat sarcastically). She also said, considering what all B2 has just been through i hope you little 'talk' with her this morning didn't just send her over the edge.
I know it's petty or shows my BPD but i was SOOO glad she said that!
i mean for real, i wasn't feeling depressed but it sunk me lower than dirt. it's certainly brought me down.ok, i'm getting all my venting out now. And since i'm on the net at work! well, i just better get off now right?-hehe ;^)
oh, so if my posting is far between. i'm doing ok, but a lot of my access is limited to the public library in the evenings IF i can get onto one of the machines.
SO MUCH LOVE TO ALL my babble FRIENDS.
why does it seem that they've taken away my ONE contant support through all this...YOU. i NEED my friends that understand, that sympathise, that can share experiences...they have NO IDEA!!
i mean even my pdoc says that treating bipolar with meds is the equivalent to chemotherapy. some people gasp at that but considering the trial and errors, the possible side effects, etc. i do see the comparison and i wish others would to. Heck even my pdoc and other T said that there is no Expert on bipolar cuz Each case can be SO different...ok, i LOVE you all So much.
Thank you for still being here and sticking with me, despite all my issues, vents/rantings, sadness and anger.
You are all the Best support i've had throughout, since my Dx. just incredible.Thank you.
(and special thanks once again to Dr.Bob.-at least i know i always have one place of safety...)Lots of LOVE
B2c.
Posted by AuntieMel on September 21, 2004, at 14:26:53
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 12:25:13
Besides being immoral, this just doesn't seem legal! I can understand that they have the power to limit internet use, but mental illness *is* an illness, not a character flaw. It's my understanding that if you have a disability (which this qualifies as) the employers are supposed to make 'reasonable' accommodations.
And talking to coworkers??? This is putting me in one of those occasions where only a swear word will work......
Posted by ghost on September 21, 2004, at 20:09:07
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 12:25:13
sweetie,
i wish i could articulate my thoughts better and tell you everything i want to say, but i can't seem to right now. i'll do my best to cover the important stuff.
first off, i'm pretty sure that your boss CANT fire you, if you have a documented illness (which you do) and a lot of what he said sounds like harassment to me. you might want to talk to HR or a company ombudsperson (if you have one or something like it). i'm glad you have someone to stick up for you there.
i do know what you mean about telling too many people your problems.... even *if* they're family and "supposed" to be aware of your life... they don't need to know all the gory details. because i agree--- the constant "what's wrong?"s are maddening. too many people in my family know now and i'm kind of in a similar situation. i've kind of backed off and cut off contact with them, but i know that's not necessarily good either. i know what it's like to put on the happy face and live the lie that everything is fine and dandy so as not to worry anyone or put anyone out. you can only do that for so long, live this lie, until you reach other breaking point. at least, that's my experience.
i think you're handling things well. i'm proud of you. and reading about your surviving makes me feel like there's hope for me, too. so thank you. i'm glad you're here.
if you ever need to write, don't hesitate. ghost at autoneurotic dot net. it might be easier to fire off an email from work than to get online. ;)
LOTS of LOVE,
ghost
Posted by TexasChic on September 21, 2004, at 20:29:13
In reply to Re: attempt S.... » B2Chica, posted by AuntieMel on September 21, 2004, at 14:26:53
I agree with Mel. That can't be legal! God what is wrong with people???
I've come to realized that the reason I got fired was at least in part because of my illness. I told my boss about it, then I couldn't stop crying for days, then she said something to me about not being able to handle working there because I was an emotional mess. Now I can't get a job and I think its because she is saying things about me when they call her. I can just see her saying, don't hire her, she has severe emotional problems. The thing is, its true! I'm not saying she's without fault, I still don't think I was treated right or I should have been fired. But I can look back now and see how much I overreacted, and how that would have appeared to someone. I also can see how it affected my last job which I was almost fired from before I quit. I don't know if losing it like that means I'm bipolar or borderline personality or what. I just know I'm not in control and its more than anxiety and depression.
So isn't there a way we can protect ourselves from getting fired or put on probation for something that is a disability??? We can't work, we can't not work, what the h*ll are we supposed to do??? I'm sorry I'm highjacking your post B2, I can just comiserate so well about the work situation because I've BEEN THERE!
I think I'm going to try to file disability. Not only do I not control my emotions, but the anxiety has always caused me to clench my jaw which has given me severe TMJ problems. I've already had surgery but its hurting again and sounds like grinding broken glass when I open my mouth. I have been having trouble just being out job hunting. It starts hurting so bad I have to go home. Does anyone know if I would qualify for disability because of this? I'm just at my wits end. At least we're in this together B2. I don't know how on earth I would be handling any of this if I didn't have my babble friends.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 21, 2004, at 21:05:31
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by TexasChic on September 21, 2004, at 20:29:13
Sweetie,
I don't have anything to offer tonight but just my caring and a big huge hug
((((((((((((((B2C)))))))))))))))))))))))I'm just dog-tired and behind on some work. But I'm glad you posted. I've been worried about you. I'm sorry your internet access will be more limited for now. Hopefully you like being in libraries?
Take good care and post when it's okay.
gg
Posted by B2Chica on September 22, 2004, at 10:17:55
In reply to Re: attempt S.... » B2Chica, posted by AuntieMel on September 21, 2004, at 14:26:53
believe me, almost all i could muster on monday were swear words and almost tears (i wouldn't let him have those though!)
anyway, my boss made it VERY clear (almost guilt ridden) that He was just a great boss cuz he bent over backwards this whole time and that he hired me to get work done and the work hasn't been getting done, also that he hired me cuz i multitasked very well and i don't anymore. Everything he said was making it sound like a "be prepared if one more incident then you're out". now he never SAID that, but it was certainly implied, knowing him he could have just been saying that as an intimidation tactic-he's used to doing that. funny thing is even though he's 6'4" and about 61 he's used to being a very "powerful, intimidating man...ha, if he had any ideas how i grew up, man he's NOTHING...ha!(she laughs loudly at that pathetic attempt to intimidate).and since he's out of the building for the rest of the week i'll be popping in. although i think i've got some major allergy thing going on and i'm miserable so i think i'm going to head back home pretty soon. just feel like cr&p.
and NOONE can take away my babble friends, they just have NO idea how important you'all are. they have no idea what's really going on (other personal issues) and i can talk about or sort of talk about those here...No Where Else! So i just knod my head and say "yes (name here) i'm not on the internet, i'm not on babble, thanks for your concern."
i need to save some money and quick cuz i just need to get a computer at home and internet access. "gee, how to make a quick buck??"anyway, illegal or not i can't really do anything right now. just sit and wait. I told my friends here (all 2 of them) that i am seriously considering taking a leave of absense like of a couple months. Maybe once i get set up with new T and get into sessions, the toll those may take on me compounded by work and possible new medication runs i just don't want to go back to the hospital again and i DON'T want to end up in the "institute" that they wanted to lock me up in. That just scares the spirit right out of me.
but that one friend suggested talking to human resources regarding such a leave and that they knew it could be done and with no problem since i do have several Dr.'s Dx and (now) two hospitalizations under my belt.
Anyway. i'm tired, might go home soon.OH!!! (possible trigger)
for those that SI i got this book at barnes&noble called "cutting" author is Steven Levenkron. it is a really educational/psychological viewed look into reason and understandings behind SI and a few case histories. I'll tell you, i LOVE the case histories, there are actually two that...MAN, it was like they were talking about me. anyway, it's just a very accepting and understanding book-not judging and not too indepth into one persons issues to where it is terribly triggering, though please read with caution and care.
But i'm half way through this and have really enjoyed the insight.
heck at this point i feel like i've been my own T for the last few months and especially now.ok, gotta run.
LOVE YOU ALL.
B2c.
Posted by B2Chica on September 22, 2004, at 10:20:08
In reply to Re: more work crud and good book., posted by B2Chica on September 22, 2004, at 10:17:55
i don't know that the double quotes thing worked right. the name of the book is
""Cutting: understanding and overcoming self-mutilation." by Steven Levenkron
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 22, 2004, at 18:08:05
In reply to Re: attempt S...., posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 12:25:13
Posted by TexasChic on September 22, 2004, at 18:35:52
In reply to Re: more work crud and good book., posted by B2Chica on September 22, 2004, at 10:17:55
Posted by Angel Girl on September 24, 2004, at 22:56:44
In reply to Re: more work crud and good book., posted by B2Chica on September 22, 2004, at 10:17:55
This is the end of the thread.
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