Posted by Emme on June 16, 2004, at 11:00:53
In reply to Re: Letting go » Emme, posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 9:29:24
Hi AG,
> I understand what you're saying about her still being human and maybe she is struggling with what she perseves to be the right thing. BUT, why tell me you have forgiven me and forgotten the incident and then change your mind. She would've been better to have not said anything to me at all.
Yeah, that's frustrating as can be. And not very fair to you. But it does make some sense to me. I think that sometimes people take a little while to process things and the way they feel about something can change. And not necessarily in a favorable way. I sometimes find myself having an intial response to something, and then have a different feeling about it the more I think about it. I don't mean that it's okay to jerk you around. Just that if you're trying to figure out WHY she did it, that there's a possible explanation. At any rate, it's her issue now and hopefully she'll be able to put it in perspective and set it aside.
> I'm the type of person that when there is a conflict between myself and somebody else, I like o talk it out and resolve it. I HATE it when the other person just wants to drop the issue and not talk about it anymore. Ok, maybe that brings closure for them but what about me, it sure doesn't bring any kind of closure for me and then I sit and stew about it and try to figure out what I did wrong. Why can't people just learn to communicate instead of ignoring it. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. It just buries it.It sounds like a mismatch between your needs and the needs of the other person. The other person may feel like they've finished dealing with a problem. Or it may not be quite as serious an issue for them and require less discussion. You may simply need a little more talking to feel comfortable. If you're feeling unsettled about something, can you ask the other person to discuss it a little more - "I'm still feeling a little unresolved about X. If we can just chat about it for a couple of minutes I think I'll feel better." Or something like that. It's not good to be in a position where you'll stew.
> I've come to the conclusion that I can't form anymore close attachments to people. I must keep them at arms length or else there is going to be problems. I can't seem to manage relationships so I've decided that if I keep everybody at a safe distance from now on, then maybe there'll be less strife in my life. Of course, OTOH, it leaves me with no friends too, therefore also with deeper depression. What to do?
That's gotta be a painful state to be in. Your frustration definitely comes through. You deserve to have enjoyable friendships! There's no reason why that can't change. You can do it. You mentioned looking for a therapist. That definitely sounds like a good move.
> And depression and anxiety make it worse - my feelings and thoughts get distorted. So mood control helps in normalizing relationhips.
> <end quote>
>
> BINGO!!!! That's EXACTLY why I can't manage relationships. My thoughts are so distorted, I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, I analyze everything to death I misinterpret what is being said to me and I'm paranoid that everyone is going to leave me, which they all seem to do.
> How have you learned to control your mood? I certainly need to do that.Well, helpful medication sure makes a difference. Some CBT with a good therapist is very good. Socializing is important. I find hanging out with friends or taking to them on the phone very helpful. You don't have the social circle you need right now. But when you feel better and start to establish friendships, it'll probably give you enhanced mood control.
I think we *all* are sensitive to rejection and can feel insecure about what's said to us. It's a matter of degree. You just need the volume turned down on yours.
If you're feeling intensely upset about something someone said or did, give yourself some time to let your emotions simmer down. Distract yourself for a few hours with work, a yoga class, etc., then think of a bunch of possible interpretations about what's going on. Including the possibility that the other person has something going on that has nothing to do with you. Then decide how you want to proceed. But I think the key is coming up with multiple possible interpretations. Of course all of this is way easier said than done. I'm not as good as I'd like to be at waiting things out.
> I have been in the process of finding a new therapist but I've gotten side-tracked because I'm going through withdrawal from a med I had to stop. Not doing too well physically right now. In fact, I'm barely even functioning at this point. Hopefully this will come to an end soon so I can get back into finding a therapist who can hopefully help me with everything.
You got a mild case of SJS, right? Hope it clears up quickly. Good luck in finding a therapist.
Emme
poster:Emme
thread:356809
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/357231.html