Posted by antigua on June 11, 2004, at 12:17:51
In reply to Re: Racer and Antigua....any better? » antigua, posted by DaisyM on June 11, 2004, at 10:42:08
That's very nice of you Daisy, but I don't make promises. I don't make promises because I don't want to ever break them. Too many promises broken when I was a kid, too much waiting around for people to materialize who never showed up. My kids think I'm strange, but they're used to it now. Well, I guess that's not absolutely true. When I married my husband I think I made a few promises...
I do have good kids. They are so well adjusted that I just watch them w/awe. My husband had a happy childhood and he has been my role model w/the kids. I don't know the rules, so he has been my guide. Things that seem perfectly normal to me are totally bizarre to him.
But then again, my husband thinks he's perfect and his standards for me are beyond my capacity at the moment. That sounds strange, but it's hard to explain. He doesn't understand what I'm going through--he really tries, but it's just so foreign to him. He doesn't say, "why don't you just get over it," but he lacks an innate compassion about the suffering. He just is angry about what was done to me--my T says he is so angry because I'm not; I let him carry/express my anger instead of expressing it myself.
My husband is angry that we haven't achieved what he thought we would set out to do in life. I can't help but think that I've let him down. My take is that I've come further than I ever thought possible with my children, so I don't expect a lot more. He does. I haven't been working steady in the past year and when the bills pile up, he starts looking my way. I can't concentrate enough to work right now.
But I really think now that it will never get better. It really only gets worse. I've been severely depressed for an entire year now--it has never lasted this long before and it gets worse every time. There's a hopelessness that just permeates everything. It's all just too heavy. It's not even the memories that are killing me--most are still just below the surface and now I've accepted that I may never reach them. Some people never do. You can't keep this up for 14 years at this pace and still not get anywhere. I've learned so much about myself, but it doesn't change anything. I still can't escape my past, I can't work through it and my future includes just more of the same.
Geez this is depressing. Sorry. You were being kind and I cry all over you. Maybe it's just denial kicking in--nothing will ever be better.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:355479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/355749.html