Posted by antigua on June 11, 2004, at 18:32:53
In reply to Re: Racer and Antigua....any better? » antigua, posted by TofuEmmy on June 11, 2004, at 12:42:17
No, I'm sorry. I didn't know your mom suicided. I would have been more careful of what I said, so please forgive me.
That said, I don't know if a warped, sad, tortured mother IS actually better than a dead one. My mother was totally inacessible to me growing up--to know she was close but she wouldn't comfort or care for me was horrible. She later spent time in several mental hospitals and the whole world always revolved around her. I would bake her cookies and take them to her; sometimes she would respond, others she would spend in a catatonic stupor. My childlike mind thought that if she loved me enough, she would be there for me. As a mother now, I know that's not true, but I never want to let my children down. Yes, death would be the ultimate let down, but they wouldn't be faced w/a living death their whole lives.
As my mother got better, her response was to abandon me and run away to other countries for long stretches of time. She left me w/my father and his new family, and since he drank I was still alone.
I've always been alone. Except for my kids. But wanting to protect them is very important, too. It's finding that level where too much is too much for them. I do not want to cause them the pain I've lived with.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:355479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/355866.html