Posted by Racer on June 10, 2004, at 19:55:17
In reply to Re: Racer and Antigua....any better?, posted by antigua on June 10, 2004, at 18:46:41
Man, that really resonates for me, Antigua. That's about how I was feeling the other day, when I "gave up" for a while. I can only imagine that having me respond, while I'm feeling better than I was, may make you feel even worse, but I did want to tell you about some of what I've been thinking about today, in case it helps you, too. It really did help me, and it's perfectly OK if it doesn't help you. I think by now the entire universe knows that, when I'm as far down as you are right now, NOTHING will help me, and hearing all the well meaning advice in the world just makes me feel even worse -- because I CAN'T do the things people always seem to suggest, even if I KNOW that they would help me. Man, depression really is a life-force-sucker, no question about that.
Here's what I've been musing about: for me, at least, depression is an IMMEDIATE condition. Whatever I feel RIGHTTHISMINUTE, is how I've always felt, and how I always will feel, and nothing ever changes. The last few months, I have been entirely resistant to the very idea of meds, because I can't remember that I ever truly felt better while taking them. Even today, when I know that I'm a heckova lot better than Tuesday, I look back on the time when I was on Paxil, and all I can remember is being lethargic, fat, and constipated. I can remember that I "responded well" to it, and I can remember that I was able to do things that I hadn't been able to do before starting it, but I can't remember *feeling* any better than I do now. (Part of that has to do with trying to go back on it when my father died, but that's another story.) (And, in a way, I think it would be worse if I *could* remember feeling better, you know?) So, that sense of immutability is a real problem, at least for me.
Here's something else I'm finally realizing: there's now sufficient evidence to convince me that there is a real, scientifically verifiable genetic basis for the susceptibility to depression. Even so, one of the researchers involved in that study was quoted in an article I read about it as saying something like, "The gene only codes for a susceptibility to getting depression after life stressors. Many perfectly normal people have the gene, but don't have depression, because they haven't experienced those stressors that would trigger it." Wanna know something? My 'internal interpretation' of that is to verify what I already "know" emotionally: that there's nothing really wrong with me except for being weak and lazy. Get it? I am so convinced that this is my fault that I can even verify that idea for myself in a study showing that depression is REAL, fer cryin' out loud! And you wanna know something else? That only counts for me. When other people get depressed, I really do believe that they're responding to a genetically programmed susceptibility to stress. Now, you gotta remember that we're talking about core, internal beliefs here -- my most deeply held views, those things that even I can't really access fully. Even though on some level I really do know that depression is real, and not just me being lazy and weak; even though I know that it's the depression itself telling me that I'm lazy and weak; even though I know all this -- I still do not accept that it's not just me being lazy and weak. So, the depression distorts us in very deep, very fundamental ways.
Here's something else that helped me, way back: my old therapist and I used to talk about depression as The Beast, because it was like a living thing, fighting for survival. It really feels sometimes like some sort of emotional parasite, sucking the life out of its host to insure its own survival. A lot of those feelings you described are like what The Beast does to me. (Of course, The Beast only does them to me because I'm weak and lazy and deserve them, but that's only true for me -- you're different. ;-D) Thinking about the depression as a force separate from me really helped me, so I offer it to you in hopes that it might help you, too.
(Add to all that a note about my own current pdoc-phobia: I don't know if you've read about my situation, but I'm stuck with Dr EyeCandy -- which at least provides a great deal of visual pleasure -- for another six months. I really and truly have no other options -- and that's not a distortion. My Adventures In EyeCandyLand have me running scared, in a big way, despite knowing on some level that I do respond well to the right drugs. In fact, I'd go a lot farther: it is the problems I've had with the agency that he works for that have sparked and fueled my resistance to trying any meds. I really and truly do know that I've responded well to meds in the past, and that my life has improved because of it. [don't ask if I believe that it's possible for that to happen again -- The Beast says that it can't happen] I've been thinking back on my experiences with doctors -- pdocs and otherwise -- lately, and I have been looking at websites about standards of care, and I've reminded myself that this REALLY isn't my fault. I've reminded myself that I've had good experiences with doctors and with meds and I've also verified that it's not my imagination that he's not doing a good job with me. That helped me immeasurably. It really doesn't help me in terms of getting good care now, but at least it allows me to hope that once I can change doctors, it will be an improvement. I envy you the opportunity to see a new doctor, and hope so much that you can make the call soon, and that he'll have an excellent personality for you, and be able to provide some relief.)
Antigua, I guess all I really wanted to say to you is that I hope it gets better for you, and soon. Trust me, if someone as truly, wretchedly undeserving as I am can feel better than we were both feeling the other day, someone as miraculous as you are can, too. If you can get out of bed, can you make yourself some cocoa? You deserve the best, whatever that is for you.
poster:Racer
thread:355479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/355555.html