Posted by Ilene on April 16, 2004, at 21:27:53
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
Today was not so good, but not so bad. I feel my regular old crappy self, but I managed to get some things done. I've been thinking about the relationship between the internal and external worlds (i.e. what I think about vs. what happens to me), the effectiveness of meds, and whether therapy is of any use.
My pdoc has been rather negative when I insist I need meds that work. I point out that meds worked once upon a time--years ago, by now--but they did the trick well enough for me to have a relatively normal life. I've also said that I don't think therapy will do me much good until I have a medicated "floor". I need to have the level of functioning I hope meds can provide before I can do whatever I'm supposed to do with therapy.
I suspected that she was trying to get me to not focus my attention on meds because she didn't think there was anything out there that would work, but she didn't want to tell me that. (There's a nice train I could throw myself under that runs just outside her office.) But on Wednesday we had a strange little tangential conversation that makes me think she thinks I'm more clueless than I am. I was whining away about my husband--I don't usually do this, but his inadequacies have been on my mind--and I expressed my frustration at how he's always asking me if I still love him, or if I *really* love him, or some variation. I hate the way tries to use me to alleviate his own feelings of anxiety, rather than being honest. She asked for clarification--I said his feelings were internal, and no amount of reassurance from me (or anyone) would alleviate them. She took this as some kind of revelation on my part. I drew this conclusion years ago.
I thought she knew me better than that. I wouldn't want drugs to alleviate my distressing feelings if they were within normal bounds. It's just that they aren't, and I can't regulate them. I used to be able to manage bumps and setbacks much more effectively. Now I can't manage everyday life.
poster:Ilene
thread:325511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040414/msgs/337047.html