Posted by Scott in Vermont on April 14, 2004, at 15:33:57
I've been here for a couple of weeks now, and I haven't ever really posted anything that was specific to myself. Today I'm at work, it's slow, and I'm feeling emotionally flat. So I figured why not tell a portion of my story to complete strangers on the Internet?
Tomorrow at 10am I’m expecting to receive the final decision from my wife about her divorce wishes. I want the divorce to be amicable and civil. So far, she has tried to make it trench warfare. Last night I called her in a last attempt to get her to drop the current suit and to do this ourselves. I’ll know her “official” answer tomorrow, but knowing her as long as I have, my last effort was hopeless before I even picked up the phone.
The initial papers she submitted are insane, and I have until 04/20 to respond. She has asked for $2k a month, sole physical and legal custody of the children, and sole ownership of the family home.
I have consulted with 4 lawyers at this point, and they have all told me essentially the exact same thing- that the State of Vermont doesn't care about the drama, it only cares about property, support, and custody. Each lawyer estimated support around $450 to $680 per month (ranging from best case to worst case scenario) and cannot find any reason why joint custody would not be awarded if I request it.
They have also referred to the equity laws in Vermont, and have all but assured me that the family home will be sold. This is a huge point for me. I do not want her to lose the house. I have tried to explain this to her, and she has stated that she thinks I am lying to scare her. My concern for the house is not for her per se, but for the children.
My offer to her is to not do this through the court and instead attend mediation for our divorce. That will allow her to keep the house, give us flexibility with custody, and keep this from becoming an unreasonable process.
I'm already giving her $650/m, and I have agreed to continue that level of voluntary support and have also stated that I would increase it when I’m able. It’s still not good enough. I already left the house per her request. The children stay with her 4 nights a week. She is getting a third of my monthly net, and I pay for all of the insurance costs separately. She has everything she wanted and more.
I’ve been out of the house per her request for a month and a half. Prior to that, I spent 5 months trying to reconcile our marriage. She abused me terribly during this time, verbally agreeing to seek counseling and reconciliation, and then perform actions that screamed otherwise (such as calling me from her boyfriends house to tell me she won’t be home that night).
I have accepted that she doesn’t want a relationship with me and that my marriage is over. I have done the things she has asked me to do up to this point, even when doing those things hurt me. I’m frustrated by her “you owe me” attitude, I’m sickened how she is using the children as a tool to further her own financial gains, and I’m nearly beside myself over her refusal to look at the black & white of Vermont equity laws.
Even in the most extremely liberal judgment, she could only hold on to the house for 5 years. In amazingly unusual circumstance, she could get it until both children reached 18. This case will be neither of those. It’s a plain old divorce with a few sticky bits of detail to make it messy for mediation but pretty straightforward as far as the courts go. She’s going to be ignorantly stubborn, and in doing so lose the one thing she has stated really matters to her.
I don't care about the house at all, and I'll give her a fair and reasonable amount of support even if the courts tell me I can pay less. I’m a good father, and I want to be there to help raise the children. I know she’s sick of being a mother. She has said so dozens of times. But all of a sudden, it’s her “badge of sacrifice” in front of her friends to be a mom and work part-time (the nights I have the children) because (oh sigh!) her husband LEFT her. Yes, that’s her story. I just up and left. Reality is not an issue she deals with well.
I posted this because I’m feeling flat, alone, and very frustrated. I figure there are other people out there who have been through similar things, and might have some comments positive or negative. And really, I’m just feeling like I’ve already lost before the fight has even begun, because if this goes to court, there can be no positive resolution no matter what happens.
Another pothole on the road of life, I suppose. It could be worse.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:336365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040414/msgs/336365.html