Posted by Scott in Vermont on April 23, 2004, at 8:26:16
In reply to Just feeling flat, posted by Scott in Vermont on April 14, 2004, at 15:33:57
Next appt with pdoc is 04/29, next appt with T is 05/03. I really wish one or the other was a bit sooner.
I'm feeling kicked and beaten right now. I mean, emotionally I'm remaining "stable" (I'm not curled up in blanket in a dark closet in a dark room bawling my eyes out and shaking) but wow... I really feel like crap.
I know this is survivable, but at what price?
Today is not the best day I have had this week. I keep reminding myself of who I am, what I am, what I have been through, and the strength I have to face anything. It almost doesn't matter. The weak part of myself wants to give in and go home and spend the rest of the day hiding under the covers. The cynical part of myself makes fun of me, and the responsible part of myself is making a strong case for staying at work and seeing this day through. Responsible and rational are ganging up on weak, so I think I'll see this day through to 5pm and then head home to a weekend with the kids.
But it is only 9:17 am here. I feel like I have been at work for 6 hours already. It's slow, which gives me too much time to think about past events that lead to this, present events that may explode (my wife should have a copy of my response today) and future events that could occur. That's what is stomping me. The only real fear I have in this world is that of the unknown. And right now, I have an awful lot of that ahead of me. Normally I face it with a shrug of my shouders and say "the future is unknown, so make the most of now" but that just isn't making it for me today.
Rational and responsible just took a hard hit from fear and anxiety. I know I'm falling today because I stayed up all night last night stressed out of my mind and could not sleep, and I didn't want to take anything to sleep. This is not who I normally am. Today is a rough day.
9:24. It's going to be a looooooong day.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:336365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/339101.html