Posted by All Done on January 19, 2004, at 23:19:31
In reply to Re: Bad day : (, posted by Karen_kay on January 19, 2004, at 14:01:37
(((All Done)))
Your mom could be like mine and forget the things she says...
If you want to start persuing boundaries, the best way to begin is by limiting phone calls. I personally don't have a problem, as my mother never calls me. But, do you have caller ID? If so, when she calls and you don't feel like taking her call, then don't. If you don't have caller Id and she calls when you can't handle it then listen as long as you can and ring your own door bell and say you have to go. Make up excuses if you must.
If you start enforcing boundaries, then talking with her won't be nearly as dreadful. And talk with Beefcake about your situation so you can help get over (pardon my phrasing, I don't want to sound harsh as in "Just get over it " or anything like that because I know it isn't anything like that, understand what I'm throwing out here? :)) the feelings you have towards your mom, and a solution to this problem. I know it's hard to do, trust me I've been there.
Personally, I limit all contact with my mother because she is very cold and emotionless. But, she doesn't live in the same state either. Though, she's moving back to this state soon. I suspect that I still won't see too much of her.
Also, if you can limit visits with your mom to a certain time limit and to a public place, that may help keep emotions from flairing. I know that attempting to talk to my mother wasn't an option. She said several times, "I know I wasn't a good mother," and "I bet you talk aobut me all the time with your therapist." But, I know that telling her she was a terrible motherwouldn't do any of us any good, so I reassure her she did the best she could, which I think is true.
Just try to remember that people deal with problems in their own way. Maybe your mother, similar to mine, was taking her own problems out on you. I'm sorry that happened. I wish that I could make that go away and never happen to anyone else again. But, we're here for you. I promise that. We need to get this sleep over going and really make it happen girl :)>>I’ve always felt the need to “avoid” her – even before everything happened. She simply drains me and now it’s so much worse because I resent her terribly for it. I had actually checked the caller ID when she called, but I weighed out the possible feelings that would come up for me in talking to her vs. the guilt I would feel until I called her back (which, I would inevitably do and which would inevitably cause all the feelings I’m having anyway).
Beefcake knows all about my mom and referred us to a family therapist who we will all visit (me, my husband, and my mom) next week. I always tell him I don’t want to talk about her and then I end up talking about her for half of the session (equipped with tears and everything…ugh).
And I don’t know if you’ve read my other responses, but I know my mom has more than the lion’s share of problems herself. I’ve told her if she doesn’t go to therapy for herself, there’s no chance of repairing our relationship. So, after a bit of a fight, she’s going (all the while making sure I know it’s a *huge* burden on her – whatever).
I keep telling myself – baby steps. I think that’s all I can hope for right now.
Thanks for the support and the hugs. I so needed them today.
poster:All Done
thread:302766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/303002.html