Posted by Angielala on January 19, 2004, at 14:02:48
In reply to Re: Bad day : (, posted by Poet on January 19, 2004, at 13:34:15
I never thought EVER that I would EVER have a relationship that didn't irritate the heck out of me with my mom. Once I made it a top issue with my therapist, I really started working everything out for me. I got to the point where if I didn't have a normal relationship with her, it would be okay with me. I was ready for the worst and felt okay about that- and then my mom said one day, "I am so sorry for never being there for you. I don't know how you stayed so strong." Strong- NEVER considered myself strong, because through it all, it was hard and I often felt helpless. But for my mom to say those words, everything began to fall in place. I could actually forgive her, once she realized and admitted this.
Poet- thanks for making me FEEL so together :) Age difference can be a big factor. My mom is young, only 46. I made her aware of my therapy once I felt confident enough for any backlash they could have thrown my way. I thought of it this way- I knew I needed help. I admitted it. I got help, I'm working on myself to make sure I will be okay. If my parents came back and started bashing therapy or me actually needing therapy- then I knew it was that stigma... that "MY daughter doesn't need help!" because parents are too afraid to think that there may have been a problem with their upbringing. When my mom said that I was fine and blowing things out of proportion by going to therapy, I simply said, "I know my potential and am working to reach my fullest. I feel bad that you cannot understand why, but would appreciate respect for trying to better myself than to keep family taboos." Of course this intiated a 2 year silence, but that's what brought my mom around- she actually thought about what I said and realized that I didn't need her in my life if she was only going to try and deny what really happened. Like I said, it's a long road, but it's worth it- there is so much hope and love- and you have them. Don't waste that on anyone who's trying to keep you from finding yourself. The fact of the matter, my mom reflected on her current realtionship with her mom, and began to realize that if SHE didn't do anything about it, I'd become just as estranged as she and her mom did. She was close enough to that mid-life scare that life isn't the way you planned and she acted on it. I think a generation or two older than my mom has an even tougher time understanding these things because taboos were much more common then. It's a generation gap AND a stigma that needs to be conquered. Geez- it's like we should win medals for dealing with all their crap sometimes :)
All Done- focus on you, put her out of your mind. I know how hard that is, and how hard harboring that anger can be. Focus on you, and how much more together you are than you might realize. You are SO much stronger than so many people who have to deal with this strange mother/daughter quandry. Follow your heart on this one, that's what needs protection and your nuturing :)
> This is a safe place for your rant. I haven't had the courage to tell my parents I'm in therapy, more or less that they are a major factor in why I'm in it. They're in their late 70s, so I think it's better this way, harder on me, but better.
>
> Listen to Angilala, she has it way more together family wise than I do.
>
> Poet
poster:Angielala
thread:302766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/302798.html