Posted by All Done on January 19, 2004, at 21:29:52
In reply to Re: Bad day : (, posted by Angielala on January 19, 2004, at 13:26:06
> You can definitely have a good relationship with yur mom again. Back to how things used to be- well, it will be different, but for the better.
>>I know, I think I'm just having a hard time admitting that it's never going to be the same. Funny, though, how I never thought our relationship was that great and now part of me just wants that back.
> Your mom, however, has to realize what the reality of your relationship is before you two can work on it. Unfortunately, that means she has to admit her faults and also her selfishness.
>
> Does your mom know that what she said that one time that absolutely knocked you off your feet? Is she aware of her effect on you at all?>>Well, without getting into too much detail, her words caused a lot of third parties to get involved and everyone told her how much harm she caused. But, to answer your question, she has no idea of the damage she did. She has many issues from her own past and I believe they came creeping through and this was a cry for help.
> There is *definitely* hope in this. Please try and realize that the reason this relationship isn't working is because of her lack of understanding. Perhaps your mom needs some therapy before she can realize this- but how can you tell your mom that wihtout her going bonkers? That's the hard question. I went through therapy to deal with her effects on me, and once I felt strong enough and secure enough, I was able to have that hard conversation and tell my mom how she effects me, even though she may have not wanted to hurt me, she did and she had to deal with it, not me. After a while, I got a long apology and the best efforts to be a friend to me. It took a while, but while that mother/daughter love is the toughest relationship, it's also the strongest, no matter how bad it can be at times. It's perfectly normal to despise and miss her at the same time, I know what you mean. Sometimes you need your mom to be your mom, sometimes she needs to be your friend. Mom's seem to learn this after the daughters have figured it out.
>>After I was able to stop yelling at her, I told her that the only way she *might* be able to repair our relationship was if she went to therapy. After a couple of months of thinking she wasn't going to do it, she finally did. She has been going for just over a month now and she told me she is working on some difficult stuff from her past. My husband and I have had a couple of meetings with a therapist to do some family work and we are all going to meet with my mom next week. My therapist knows everything and referred me to the family therapist. I probably spend at least half of each of my sessions on my mom stuff. So, I'm thinking we have enough therapy going on to start working on things.
> I hope that helped some- we are here for you and you can rant ANYTIME! that's what this is for!
>>Thank you so much. It's nice to have all this support.
poster:All Done
thread:302766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/302955.html