Posted by JimD on December 1, 2003, at 7:50:31
In reply to thank you (((everyone))) (nm), posted by kara lynne on November 30, 2003, at 17:31:01
Wow, does this story sound familiar. I've been trying to start anew for some time now, and finally decided that this weekend was the right time. I woke up with the sad realization that I had spent *over a year* clinging to hope that my ex would come back to me. A year of anxiety every time he called to say hi, every time we bumped into each other at the bar, every time I heard that he was dating someone else, etc. What made my situation particularly difficult was the fact that every time he was between relationships, he would come back to me...We've had some of the most deep emotional conversations in which he tells me (in essence) "I love you, but I'm not ready for commitment on the level you are looking for." I finally realized that it is all mind games, and that statements like those should read "if I don't find someone 'better' than you, I want the option to use you as a backup." Imgaine what that does to my self-esteem.
I was really intrigued by the fact that noa used the word 'toxic' to describe these relationships, because they are just that. They wear away at your insides and leave you feeling like a hollow shell of a person. My realization this weekend was great, but it is still difficult to swallow in some regards. I looked at the people my ex has/is dating, and realized that none of them are anywhere near my level. Not to sound arrogant, but I finally recognized that my problem isn't that I'm not "not good enough" for my ex, but that I'm "too good." I'm too smart, too loving, too cute, too fun, too everything someone should want in a partner, and that scared him.
Believe me, I'm having a hard time with my first (or maybe second) steps, too. I finally deleted his number from my cell phone and blocked him from instant messaging me. I recognize that these are baby steps on what will be a marathon of healing, but they are significant, none the less. Even more significant is my desire to finally move on. I know that if I don't *want* it badly enough, it will never happen...and now I want it more than ever. An even bigger step that I'm taking this week: I have a date. :) This will be the first real date I've gone on in months, and the first time I've done it while my ex and I are in the same city. Am I nervous? Extremely...not only for the date, but for letting go of something that I considered to be 'my world' for so long.
It's tough to let go, but doing so and never looking back is the only way that you will ever be able to find the feelings that you had for your ex with someone new.
Don't sit around thinking about what YOU lost. Realize just how much HE lost by no longer being with you. You are too good for him. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of that constantly. I know I'm going to need lots of support to keep moving in this direction, seeing as I'm easily drawn back to my ex, but I realize that there are tons of people (both online and in person), who are going to give me that support. Know that we're here to provide that same support for you.
(sorry about the novel)
JD
poster:JimD
thread:285069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031124/msgs/285451.html