Posted by Susan J on October 22, 2003, at 12:39:11
In reply to Re: I really need help on this.. » Susan J, posted by Larry Hoover on October 22, 2003, at 11:37:52
Hiya, Larry.
>>>>it's difficult for me to communicate it to the person who's making me angry.
>
> I believe that to be the core of your problem.
<<Yeah, I agree. Just not sure how to deal with it effectively. It was *inappropriate* and *unladylike* for a girl to ever be angry in my house......tough to escape.
>>You may even want to spend some time understanding anger itself.
<<My therapist gave me a book on anger, "The Dance of Anger" I think it was called. I didn't find it very helpful then, but that's been almost 2 years ago. Maybe I should reread it...
>> It is my belief that anger is a secondary emotional response. For example, she reads your personal profile aloud in the office, you're embarassed that your personal life has been brought into your professional domain without your permission, and you become angry at her.
<<I'll go for that. I wasn't *so* embarassed at her reading it (a little, not a lot) because I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing and not ashamed of what I wrote in that profile. I think I'm very angry at the fact she violated my personal boundaries *yet again* and I don't know how to stop it. So it's a lot about my powerlessness to fix it/stop it. My behavior is *not* effective, and I'm not sure how to make it so.
> The batty comes from your internalized anger at self.
<<Yup. The powerlessness. Don't like that feeling, powerless over my own life. Not at all.
> You may want to rehearse some of the recurrent scenarios, and possible effective responses.
<<I do that, quite often. Kinda worried it's obsessive. :-) And I come up with *great* responses to stuff she's done.....and I tell her that when she does it again, and she *always* does it again....but when something *new* comes up, I don't think that quickly on my feet...
>> For example, when she overhears and comments on private telephone conversations, you might ask your telephone partner to hold on, take the telephone away from your ear, look her straight in the eye, and in a level voice, state a fact. "This is none of your business." Repeat as often as needed.
<<Yeah, you are right. To me that's rude though, although intellectually I know it's not. It's respecting my own boundaries and making her do the same....> Developing and practising possible reponses in advance is like putting tools in your toolbox; they're ready when you need them.
<<Yes, I agree. I guess my responses are not effective. They'd be effective if someone said them to *me* though..."Lisa, I don't like to chat when I'm writing a report." Um, to me that means get lost....to her..."Oh, OK, I'll just sit here and read. I won't bother you."Blows my mind. I would've left!
"Lisa, your sitting at my desk is distracting while I work. Even if you don't talk, I feel the need to entertain you."
"Don't worry about me. I just want to enjoy the sunshine a bit (my office has the window).
"Lisa, please leave."
"Oh, well, if you're going to be like *that!*" Then to everyone in earshot: "Be careful! Susan's in a really bad mood! I wouldn't bother her if I were you!"
>> Part of the problem for you is that you get caught up in your own emotional response, and you have difficulty coming up with a reasonable and rational comment to her.
<<Yup. :-)> Another thing is, document the patterns of behaviour. It may sound petty, but should it come to a situation where someone's job is on the line, documentation may well tip the balance, particularly if you have brought it to your supervisor's attention more than once, without adequate remedy being offered you.
<<Yeah, it's informally documented in some e-mails that I've sent to a friend, fussing about the issue.> Some people are addicted to turmoil. They cannot have a calm moment. That leads them to feel panicked. I fear that's the problem here. She's got to be involved in something, no matter what.
<<Maybe. She went to therapy when her marriage was ending and the therapist told her she is passive-agressive. I need to do some research on that, cuz I don't really know what that entails. I know this woman has really poor social skills (she insulted my family one night when about 6 of my office mates were out to dinner). And I think she clings to groups because she feels left out. Other people like her just fine. I just don't.> Maybe documented patterns of behaviour will get you the office change you're looking for. I'm stretching.
<<Hahah! I dunno about that either. I've told my boss that she is distracting me from doing my work and that my quality of work is suffering. I think I wrote that in e-mail to him, by the way. And he just pooh poohed it. Well, he yelled at me the other day for slacking on a project, it was the first he's *seen* I guess of my decreased productivity. I said "see?" She's nowhere near the whole problem (ADs/depression are the biggest culprits), but I just figured if I could get rid of her as one of my problems, it would help make me stronger, give me a more stable work environment, and I could get better at doing my work...Think it's better to address this incident by incident, in a much more forceful manner than my previous comments, or to sit her down and tell her I'm having serious trouble with her behavior?
Susan
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:271851
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/271890.html