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Re: Stop Violating Boundaries? Long.... » Susan J

Posted by noa on October 23, 2003, at 12:53:01

In reply to Stop Violating Boundaries? Long...., posted by Susan J on October 22, 2003, at 11:07:28

Your therapist may be right, in which case it begs the question of how it would be dealt with if it came from a man? It might be easier, ironically to identify the behaviors as inappropriate.

But they are inappropriate no matter the gender. And even if it isn't an attraction thing, it is still inappropriate.

You are right about pulling back on the friendship and personal disclosures. Absolutely! I've done similar things where I disclose too much and am sorry later because I feel the person knows too much about me and uses it the wrong way.

Re-establish the boundaries you want as soon as you can. I think you want to establish that your relationship with her is professional, team, co-worker, etc. and to separate work from personal life. I think this will require direct communication (she doesn't get hints!) and then for you to monitor yourself so that you maintain consistency about the boundaries. I know from my own experience that it is so tempting sometimes to vent about something personal when it is on the surface even with someone I've decided to keep stricter boundaries with. And sometimes these boundary-invading types can be very "seductive" and I have to keep myself from lowering my guard and getting lured in. I have had to face my own part in all of this, too. I'm not much of a boundary invader, but I've not always been so good about establishing and communicating my own boundaries so that invaders know where the boundaries are for me.

You might need to stop hinting and spell it out in plain, assertive language. "I would like you to stop touching me, sitting at my desk, looking through my work materials, etc. etc. It makes me uncomfortable because I need more personal space than that and perhaps you didn't realize it, but when you have done these things I have felt very uncomfortable. I really want to have a good, professional working relationship, but I do need my space...."

Or something along the lines of "I've been thinking about my work and realize that I want to be more focused on the work and on working professionally with the team, and though I may have been sending out vibes of wanting to develop a friendship with you, I realize that what I want is a good professional relationship so we can work together as a good, productive team. This has to do with my own goals, including keeping my personal life and work life more separate. So, I really think you and I can work together well and make a great team, but what I need is to stay focused on professional matters here in the office. It is something I am consciously trying to accomplish for myself and I'm letting you know in hopes that you will understand if I don't want to discuss personal matters anymore. It is also important to me to have my personal space respected. It makes me uncomfortable to be touched at work, and I need to feel that I can step away from my desk and know that my work space will be respected. I will do the same for you."

I don't know. My wording is awkward and stiff, obviously. but I know that when I've had similar issues with confronting someone assertively but trying to be somewhat diplomatic, it has helped me when people model some words for me.

Good luck. It is a hard one.


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