Posted by kara lynne on September 21, 2003, at 3:24:54
In reply to Kara Lynne . . . a few thoughts, posted by bozeman on September 21, 2003, at 0:39:05
My long lost love! Where have you been?! I'll *buy* you a computer! Just stay here with me!
I have buried myself in fur until my sinuses can take no more. Then I bury myself some more. I like that massaging your own feet triggers 'I am loved'. It also gets those reflexology points.
I would ask you more questions about your relationship because I identifed so much, but I don't know when you'll be back. You were indeed able to withstand the grandiose bullcr*p? So you don't think it means anything that he says he's sorry, and that he loves me? That he goes to 12 step meetings? But then he talks about his parties with all the industry people over so they can see he lives in a really 'good looking' house and his business will profit? Those parties that I was never good enough for, that business that he said I was a 'detriment' to. I keep wanting to go to him to pick pieces of myself back up from the floor of his mind.
I'm busted--you got me. I was right on my way out psychically, about to re-enter the house of Self Destruct, center stage. And yes, therapy does indeed "sound like another excuse for him to project his failings on me." boze, that was brilliant.
Tonight I was almost fooled. I really was beginning to think there was a chance. I don't know if that just means I've reached my pain threshold and can bear no more, or because I truly believe it. Why would he bother at all with me if he didn't love me? Or would it just be a scenario where we go to counseling and I mention that we never got married, and he lists all my shortcomings as the reasons why. And lists all the ways in which I would have to change to accomodate his lifestyle? And then it will become all about his life once more and I will die on a diet of crumbs instead of finding true love, or at least my own life. It could very well be.
For a minute (when I thought the SSRI was working) I considered that maybe it was possible to forgive someone for saying those vicious things to me, if he were truly sorry and demonstrated enough intention to heal things between us (which of course he hasn't). And I began to wonder how much my depression made things worse between us. But I think you have a good point in that I am trying to look at how my actions affect us both, and he is trying to look at how my actions affect him.
It was just getting to the point that life without him was almost as bad as life with him because of the obsession. If I can't stop thinking about him all the time what's the point? Tonight I was considering---just *considering* what it would be like to date him. But then we got to such a low that I truly don't know if anyone with a modicum of self esteem would ever consider it--and I'm trying to act like a person who has some. Katherine Hepburn put up with Spencer Tracy's abusive tirades. Who's to say, really? My counselor with her southern upbringing, would not in a million years for a million dollars ever give the time of day to someone who said to me what he did. I thought I felt that way too.
It's easier when it's black or white. Although he apologizes, I guess he just doesn't see things the same way I do. I don't think I could expect to be treated with the kind of respect I would like, but then I don't know if that is a realistic expectation anymore.
I don't want to sell out. I still like the idea of doing another round as a stronger, better me, but that wouldn't happen if his M.O. is to keep me insecure. Maybe not even consciously--it just may be that what you see is what you get with him. And what kind of motivation is that for me anyway? What part of me wants to go back: my heart? my ego? What can I possibly hope to resolve with this man? And yet he is saying he wants to. Have I already given him too much of myself even by doing this? Aarrggh.
-Unconditional love in a fur coat-.
What could beat that?It was so good to hear from you, and thank you for every word.
((((((bozeman)))))))
poster:kara lynne
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/262110.html