Posted by octopusprime on September 16, 2003, at 10:50:04
In reply to Oh God am I up/ fallfsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 1:04:06
> I'm so out of control. I just can't be alone. I was ok during the day, had a meditation class in the evening. On the way home it swooped down upon me like a vulture, I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I listened to the message but hung up. It may register on his cell phone that it was my number.
kara lynne, you did the right thing by hanging up. you should be proud of yourself! deep down in your heart of hearts you know you are doing the right thing. now if only we could do something about easing your suffering ...
do you think you could plan a trip? maybe a weekend meditation retreat?
> I think he's with someone else, and that's triggering every infantile shred of survival jealousy known to mankind. It's ripping me in shreds. I literally pictured my heart ripped out today, and kindly asked spirit if I could have it back. I pictured it being put back inside my own body where it belongs.good for you, you're asking for help from people and spirits who can help. your heart is back in your chest. maybe today you can ask the spirits to have kara lynne's heart beat for kara lynne?
i know it's hard. it's natural to picture the ex with somebody else. for example, i think my ex is with his ex or somebody else at work. but i have never been a jealous person, thinking those things just makes my heart feel like a million pounds of lead and makes my brain feel like poured concrete. but i know what primal rage feels like, but the one time i had it i didn't deal with it very well. be safe. talk to your doctors and ask for elephant tranquilizers until it passes.
>
> But somehow it's the idea 1) that he's finally saying sayanara 2) he's saying it's because of my letter which illustrated how miserable I was--meaning if I had just been *less* miserable, maybe he would have tried harder and 3) he's with some happier, younger woman who will stoke the fire of his desire once again--and nothing is stronger than that pull. It's enough to make me want to---I don't even know how to finish that sentence. I think I'm so enraged beneath this. I just can't contain these feelings.
>kara lynne, he said goodbye because *he was making you miserable*! and the only way you'll be less miserable is *without him*! he can't help you.
and i was the happier younger woman and i got dumped. there's no special magical powers in being younger or anything else you can't be.
acceptance is so hard, kara lynne. and that's what you're seeking. i want some too. every day, i come home secretly wanting a telephone message begging my forgiveness and asking for me back. and every day, there is nothing. and i'm disappointed and relieved at the same time. it's just weird.
pray for acceptance today.
ps - i know you can't see it or feel it, but you are making so much progress and moving forward. please keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how hard it is.
poster:octopusprime
thread:260451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260610.html