Posted by octopusprime on September 15, 2003, at 10:45:35
In reply to Re: I feel like I want to die without him. octopus, posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 1:48:21
> Your story is a beautiful one, and comes as I am having to practically sit on my hands not to call him. I have been able to up until now, I don't know why this is so difficult tonight. I guess it's the finality.
((kara lynne))
It hurts so much. Like an amputation, losing part of yourself. Even if that part of yourself is not a part you want to keep.I think you are losing something brand new tonight, and that's hope for change. The denial of reality is gone, and now the wrenching depths of loneliness is setting in. I am so sorry for your loss.
>
> You mean I shouldn't call him in utter desperation and beg for him to love me? I shouldn't interrogate him as to whether or not he is with someone else and go out of my mind with jealousy? I shouldn't drive over there and find him with her and stand before them a raving lunatic? And this is what I think I want to do.you know he loves you, kara lynne. he's told you and showed you. he will probably always love you. you don't need to beg him to love you, he already does.
but he has been very clear that he can't give you what you need. begging, pleading, crying, screaming - though you may think they are cathartic, though you think you can guilt him into change - are fruitless. you know this.
it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to try. it's especially hard when there is love, but all the nasty side effects of being human get in the way. but when you don't see him, you can keep the love and throw away the rest. in silent dignity, by yourself, you can keep a loving memory of him alive.
it's a choice not to call him, to sublimate your own pain. it's a tough choice.
>
> I'm so impressed that you were able to find the beauty and grace within yourself last night, to handle your pain as you did. I will pray to find some of that myself.kara lynne, i also made a choice to try and find the answers in myself and in my spiritual advisors. i warn you that you might have to make this choice, and commit to it, before it can work.
but i wanted to remind you that the spiritual world works in mysterious ways, ones that we can rarely see here on earth. it's not the spirits that are making you suffer, but only by submitting to the suffering and asking for their guidance can you start to find a way.
you will be in my thoughts.
i hope you slept well and things look better before well-rested eyes.
poster:octopusprime
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260206.html