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Posted by kara lynne on August 28, 2003, at 1:22:14

In reply to Re: And then he emailed me! kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on August 27, 2003, at 14:13:38

Today I had a really good session with my counselor, who fed me back with no holds barred what my life was like when I was with the ex. She spared not a word. She said 'You were what he did in his spare moments', which was true--and there were not a lot of them. The rest of the time he was making excuses not to show up (in all ways) and invariably blaming me for it all.

We went over in detail how he had to have calculated the things he said to me at the end; it wasn't just anger, it was methodical cruelty. I was reminded how really, the relationship died for me that night he looked me in the eye and told me I did not deserve love and would never find it. Granted, he ran over the body the next day with the phone conversation where he dessimated every aspect of my character, but that he could look me in the eye and tell me the things he did--it was over in that moment. Honestly I don't think anything he could ever do or say would make up for that. My counselor said there is a *reason* for that. Maybe it is because I am not supposed to 'get over' it.

But he isn't even trying! *Maybe* if he had come to me and truly aplogized, humbled himself and made an effort I could have been talked into it. You see how shaky my resolve is, and I would have loved for things to have been made 'all better now'. But he only apologized as an afterthought, and even then it was expressed as an annoyance, rather than something from his own heart that he wanted to heal between us. Maybe it really is a gift that he didn't.

And still, I rationalize. I minimize. I struggle every day, trying to fill in the places where I was not taught to value myself. As you know it has been excruciating, and tenuous at best. But, with the help of my cheerleaders, I have managed so far.

But I just had to tell you that after that session, where I left just the slightest bit more empowered and clear, sure enough there was a message on my cell phone. He was 'thinking of me', 'missing me'.

He's got radar, I tell you. I deleted the message, but not before it did its work and finagled another tortuous round of doubt. And not fifteen minutes after this hour of relentless reminding.

I hope I'm learning.
I'm trying.
I didn't call.

I just wanted to update you, ma fallsfall. Thank you so much for being here.





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