Posted by Sabina on July 2, 2003, at 23:16:15
In reply to help, please...., posted by Emme on July 2, 2003, at 22:40:15
emme,
forgiving myself for the wrongs i do, and then perceive in a heightened state to be much worse than they are, is the most difficult thing for me. i often feel like i ruin everyone and everything i go near. i rarely cut or drink the pain away anymore. i created another outlet that is helping me steer away from those activities. i call it my rescue list. there are two columns, one each of short and long term goals, plans, and diversions to choose from...some more attainable than others for challenge and variety. some of mine are as simple as make up a grocery list or as complex as teaching myself to play the piano. even working on the rescue list has kept me from some black moments. the point is that i'm trying to redirect that energy that makes me want to take all my meds at once or punish myself. worst case scenario i've put the urge off for an hour or two with some activity or other. best case, i've made progress at a project or task that makes me feel a little better about myself. bottom line, i know i can't really say anything to make it better for you tonight, but it's something i'm working on as well. i still spend my fair share of time curled up in a ball crying and screaming and trying to find reasons to stick around. personally, i think it's great that you were pro-active and already emailed him about making a plan to do something fun together soon. be proud of yourself that you had the courage to at least make that effort. a "bad, bad person" wouldn't have noticed or cared that her friend left in a funk and even a lot of well meaning but frustrated people probably would have numbed themselves out and pretended it never happened. i do know what you're going through, and i will keep you in my thoughts.
bina
poster:Sabina
thread:238884
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030626/msgs/238890.html