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talked to friend briefly

Posted by Emme on July 3, 2003, at 20:34:28

In reply to help, please...., posted by Emme on July 2, 2003, at 22:40:15

I just spoke to my friend on the phone. I invited him to join me at a July 4th party. He declined for perfectly reasonable reasons. But his tone of voice was cool. I think he's mad. I think he is concluding that I'm not someone he wants to hang around with. I still feel guilty.

You see, a few weeks ago he witnessed me have a brief incident of rage - I yelled at a stranger who was nasty to us. But my reaction was out of proportion. That's not normal for me - I *rarely* lose my cool like that. I'm not known for being hot headed. I was mortified and he was furious. At that time I was so guilt ridden that I was up most of the night and cut myself. I talked to my pdoc and to my therapist about it and that helped. And it seemed like the friendship stood a chance of getting back on track.

So even though last night wasn't a rage incident or directed at anything personal, I think the intensity of our discussion turned him off. Plus he's stressed in general.

You guys are probably right that I didn't really do anything wrong. At least I'm trying to tell myself that. He does tend to be a bit preachy and opinionated himself, which makes me feel like I'm being lectured at, and so I tend to play devil's advocate, and I end up being more contrary than I normally am. But we've had a mostly pleasant friendship for a number of years. I guess I hate the person that I become sometimes and feel terrible that I can't act more consistently like the person I want to be. (does that make sense? Boy am I rambling).

Anyway, I still feel out of sorts and guilty, and can't concentrate. I guess the improvements I'd made over the last few days were just not sturdy enough to withstand anything stressful.

Thanks for listening.

Emme

 

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poster:Emme thread:238884
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