Posted by kara lynne on June 16, 2003, at 11:53:30
It hit the fan last night. My boyfriend asked me to get my things out at 1am, but I told him it would have to wait until today.
He told me I was a confused, hateful, hideous woman who did not deserve love and would never find it. He told of all the ways I was not giving in the relationship. That if I had only been a better woman, literally if I had done things like cooked for him more he might have wanted to make me feel secure, which I said I had been looking for. Then he might have been home at night, not used drugs, made love to me. I know it sounds ludicrous, but it has my head spinning. My counselor says none of that is real, but I have such a hard time believing it.
Here is the problem. I believe it. Somewhere deep down I believe every horrible thing he said to me. And I need my energy to survive and get out and get through my board exam in two weeks.
I feel like I will collapse around feeling abandoned; like I won't be able to pick myself up and keep moving. I'm trying to write about it so that I don't fall victim to it. I have to get up today and go find a place to live. Somewhere inside I feel I am the cause for all of this.
We were talking and it turned into a night of character assasination. I was so defensive at the things he was telling me that I just became angry. I guess he's trying to excuse his behavior, but he has me believing I am a selfish, horrible person.
On top of it all, I don't feel I can deal with a breakup. I feel like if I start to go into all those feelings of rejection I will disintegrate. I am asking for strength, praying for guidance and strength and not to succomb to believing these things about myself.
He told me I was a confused, hateful, hideous woman who did not deserve love and would never find it. Oh God, please don't let this be true. I think it's true.
poster:kara lynne
thread:234326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/234326.html