Posted by whiterabbit on June 4, 2003, at 22:27:45
In reply to Re: Lee, if you're lurking..., posted by leeran on June 4, 2003, at 4:37:07
He opens a window somewhere. At this time in my life, with all of these big changes coming at me so fast, I'm finding this out to be true.
The door on my marriage has closed. My husband left the house yesterday morning and disappeared like usual for parts unknown (he's still off work
after his heart attack). He returned home in the evening and announced that he had finished up the paperwork with his attorney to file for divorce.
I started to shake. I said, "You didn't file for a legal separation? You actually filed for divorce?" He says something like, "Well yeah I thought we discussed that..." I don't know, I can't remember the actual words. I thought I had been ready for it but I started bawling anyway.
Ran upstairs to "my" part of the house (office/guest room)and slammed the door. It took awhile for me to calm down.
Now here's the window: my first visit with a psychiatrist who is actually on the ball. The guy came highly recommended but I pretty much expected more of the same old crap - admonitions to clean up my lifestyle, to stop drinking alcohol and coffee, get serious about my recovery, AA or NA, tweak the meds, see you later.
Instead, his nurse interviewed me for almost an hour, gave me a self-evaluation and some other tests. At first I wasn't too happy about this because in my own long career as an x-ray tech I've caused much trouble for doctors who allow their nurses to "diagnose" because they frequently order unnecessary or inappropriate x-rays. I find this offensive, particularly when children are involved.
But this nurse was sharp...you know how you can just tell right away when you're dealing with someone who's experienced and competent? So I was able to relax some and be honest about the goofy wierd things I've done to mess up my life.
Near the end, I meet my new psychiatrist and the three of us discuss my new diagnosis - ADHD. He seemed to be a little perplexed that none of my teachers or doctors had picked up on this, because apparently my symptoms were screaming obvious to him and the nurse. I know that doctors don't like to bad-mouth each other in front of patients but he did say, "I certainly wish I had seen you from the beginning."
I said I wish he had too.
Right away I went out to get a book on ADHD and I was SHOCKED. I was shocked! Here is my life story, right in this book. I'm the classic under-achiever, a terrible disappointment to my parents
(and myself) for not living up to my potential.
"You have such artistic talent...why aren't you an artist?" "You have a gift for writing...why aren't you a writer?" "You're so smart...why don't you go back to school?"
I knew I wasn't stupid, knew I wasn't lazy...I could just never follow through. I start projects
with great energy and enjoyment but I never finish anything. And I knew I had all this energy in me, if I could just concentrate it into a single beam - I'd blow everyone away with all the things I can do. But I could just...never...focus.
I know my son has it. He's very intelligent, but dropped out of school. My mom has it, worse than me, she's terrible. Everything around us is mess and chaos.
So maybe now I have this new diagnosis, I can start working with it, figure something out. Work around it. There has to be a way...and this gives me more hope than I think I've ever had about anything.
God opened this window for me and he'll open one for you too.