Posted by leeran on June 3, 2003, at 14:08:22
In reply to Leeran?, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2003, at 16:18:45
Hi Dinah,
Thanks for letting me know about the post on admin.
Actually, I tried to post one day but I was having trouble and then, out of frustration, gave up - and then - believe it or not - forgot about coming back to try to "fix" the registration problem.
In the midst of everything else, I had to go to Las Vegas for a trade show again.
Thanks so much for thinking about me. I appreciate your thoughts and I will probably be in and out (here) as I try to sort through everything.
Actually, one of the posts I couldn't "post" was to you - and I sent it to myself to save it (I think the posting problem was due to our email server for my email address not working for 24 hours). I'll post the "lost post" at the bottom of this post, since I keep seeing the subject title of "Dinah" in my inbox as a reminder that something I wrote never made it to its destination.
The situation (mine, my son's, his moving) has gone through so many stages. My husband (T) says I've gone through the seven stages of grief - sometimes, all seven in one day.
N (son) went with me to Las Vegas for a short two-day trip. At the time, I thought he might be considering staying, but at lunch (in Las Vegas) - he told me otherwise. But we had a good trip and that was all I had in mind when I decided to take him with me at the last minute. A road trip - just the two of us. A "G" rated Thelma and Louis(e) getaway. The day isn’t too far off when a long car ride with his mother will be the last thing in the universe that he wants to be suckered into!
On the way back, we played "name that artist" on the radio (a longtime favorite game that I used to be the master of – until now) then listened to The Beatles the rest of the way, both of us singing at the top of our lungs. It seems like he's been playing "Hey Jude" a lot these days - and we listened to it twice that night. If any of you know the story behind that song (N does) you might find it pertinent. I don't know if that's the reason why N has developed such an affinity for that song here lately and I don't want to ask him. Some "things" should be his without explanation. I remember being that age and I understand that music can be a very personal experience. Of course, Hey Jude was also the Beatles all-time #1 song . . . so who knows - maybe he just recognizes good music. After all, he loves Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Pink Floyd, etc. which is just one more way I'm blessed (at my age I'm not sure I could easily tolerate the kind of music that some kids listen to these days).So, there have been tumultuous moments, moments spent trying to find a silver lining where there seems to be none, happy moments, angry moments, “suicidal ideation” moments, bittersweet moments, and even extremely happy moments. Moments that meld into the next and bring me to this moment. I guess you would call it a moment of hesitant acceptance - or reluctant acceptance. Shoot, throw in fearful acceptance as well as agonizing acceptance.
So many emotions. So many neurons put to the test.
And yet, Pandora's box has been flung wide open. And as much as I wish I could throw myself across the lid to force it all back to how it used to be . . . I know in my heart of hearts that it's impossible.
Isn't it amazing when something happens in your life and you know with utter certainty that nothing will ever be the same again? Despite the fact that I've been through two divorces and a major career change - nothing has even come close to unhinging me like this has done. Shared DNA is a powerful substance. There is great agony - and great ecstasy in the little gene pool. The ties that bind.
Nothing hurts as much as seeing your child hurt, and knowing you can't fulfill every emotional need/longing that child may have or feel can leave you feeling bereft beyond words. More than anything, realizing that your child may no longer need you in the way that you've become so accustomed to being needed has got to be one of the saddest moments in the course of child rearing.
BUT, I love my son - more than life itself - and I recognize this longing he has for something he feels he has missed. And, I've told him - (and told myself once and for all) - that he hasn't "missed this" because of divorce, or a move - but because his dad hasn't been "ready" for this kind of emotional commitment. One bit of good that may come from this is the fact that I refuse to retain "ownership" of the problems that have existed between N and his father. My unwarranted guilt has eaten away at my spirit over the years. I've done the best that I've known how to do - when I was married to his father, since I've been divorced from his father, and since moving to another city away from his father. The fact that as N puts it (not I) he wants to have a chance to develop the same kind of relationship with his father that he has with me is hopefully some kind of sign that I've done at least something right along the way.
During one of our many conversations I told N that there hadn't been a day since he was born that I haven't questioned my ability as a mother - wondered if I was doing the right thing - setting the right example, etc.His response showed a depth of maturity I didn't even realize he had developed (perhaps a level of maturity beyond what I had when I married his dad at age twenty-two).
Loosely translated, he said the following:
"Mom, you know - I think you spent your life as a kid trying to please your mother, and never feeling like you could completely 'make' her happy - then you did the same thing with my dad - and now, it continues with me. But Mom, the thing is that you always feel like you haven't done quite enough when you've really done more than enough."
Where and when in the h*ll did my son become so profound? How can I not respect the intense desires of someone who is obviously so mature in so many ways? Of course, I know his Achilles' heel and that's why my heart aches. After all, my heart ached for the many years I lived with this man.
I can only pray that N isn't disappointed yet again and that this itch can finally be scratched (and scratched to his satisfaction).
The day after all this happened I turned on the radio and an AM radio announcer was talking at that EXACT moment about children, parents, divorce and overall happiness. Talk about synchronicity!
He mentioned that if we don't have a certain need (or needs) met when we are children we will spend a good portion of our lifetime looking for whatever that unmet need(s) was as adults. Knowing how true that has been for me, it is impossible not to want better for N.
It took me thirty nine rather tormented years to finally realize that there was one human being on this planet that I could completely trust - and the peace that comes with experiencing real trust has been like no other feeling in the world. I don’t want N to spend thirty nine years (or more) wandering the planet in search of that which makes HIM feel complete. That's an image breaks my heart.
And so, he will leave. Sooner than I ever intended. And although I feel like I've been fired from a job, perhaps I've just been laid off. After all, he may be back - but I do know that "it" will never be quite the same. But nothing ever is! My husband is always telling me that the only thing that doesn’t change is “change.” And for as much as I've spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop - I've sometimes forgotten that the other shoe dropping isn't necessarily the end of the world and can actually be a catalyst for positive growth on many levels.
I did spend some time this morning (first time since May 21) talking to my ex-husband. Actually, it was not a bad conversation. It took me twelve days to be able to talk to him - and I suppose he was pretty considerate in the fact that he gave me some much-needed time to writhe around in “it” all.
God, I hope he has changed, for our son’s sake. Of course, this is another one of the double-binds. If he HAS changed, the likelihood of N returning is far less – but again, that’s putting my needs first in this situation and this certainly isn't about me. It’s about a fifteen-year-old boy who has an entire lifetime ahead of him and needs some kind of closure before moving forward in his journey.
Sorry this was so darned long. I meant to make it a “shorty,” but as usual, writing has helped get rid of some of my “agita.”
Here’s what I intended to post a week or so ago:
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Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that Dinah!
You could have gotten that from an issue of Family Circle or out of some free pamphlet at the pharmacy!Have you seen any of these books? I just looked on Amazon and all three have pretty good reviews . . . my heart goes out to you because my "aholic" has the word "junk-food" in front of it.
"Mr. Food's Quick & Easy Diabetic Cooking : Over 150 Recipes Everybody Will Love"
"Betty Crocker's Diabetes Cookbook: Everyday Meals, Easy as 1-2-3"
"Forbidden Foods Diabetic Cooking"
Leep.s. I hope all is well with you and the diabetes situation! I haven’t even been lurking the last ten or eleven days, so I’m really out of the loop as far as what everyone’s current status is in this rat-race we call “life.”
poster:leeran
thread:229496
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/231109.html