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Re: Judging » fallsfall

Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2003, at 20:31:51

In reply to Re: Judging » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on May 29, 2003, at 19:54:48

> No, it is just the last 3 months. I thought we were working on them together. Last week she was very careful to make sure that I was feeling OK. This week she very specifically refused to do that.
>
Ick. I hate that. It's such a typical therapist thing to do, so please don't take it personally. But I've seen that so many therapists do do that. They don't want to "gratify" the patient in any way. I imagine that that view does have its value in working on neuroses, but I wonder how much harm it does along the way. I wonder how many people never come to develop a trusting relationship with their therapist because they rigidly hold to those rules? Maybe it works best for those who have the least problems. My therapist isn't a great believer in the no gratification rule. His big thing is that in the therapy room we are two real people in a real, if limited, relationship. And that we can practice working things out there. So there are things that he says every week at the end of therapy because he knows they make it easier for me through the week. "Please call me if you need to. I mean it." If the session was a rough one and I ask if everything will be ok, he'll tell me it will be. If he's been angry during the session he assures me that it's not the end of our relationship, and we'll work through it. If he thinks I need something before I go, he'll do his best to provide it, while still being honest. We might discuss the needs in therapy, but he doesn't withhold gratifying them on principle. I don't know what I'll do if he ever has to terminate me. I think his approach is less than common.

> If she is angry, then I am "Bad" (as in evil).

Ok, since I have that response too, I'll speak to you as one who understands. You know at a rational level that that isn't true. Or as my therapist would tell me: If she is angry then all it means is that she is angry. She is responsible for her own reaction. She could be angry for any number of her own reasons that have little or nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for her anger. You are not a bad girl just because she is angry. (I'll have to tell him that his constant repetitions have sunk in even if I have a hard time applying it to myself.) My therapist is right, Fallsfall. You are not bad, whether or not she is angry or frustrated or bored. It's a hard thing to accept on a deeper level isn't it? Especially when it's something we've believed since we were little. If mom or dad is angry, I must have done something wrong. And I have to be constantly alert to see if mom or dad is angry, because if they are, I have to do something so they won't be.

I'm sorry, Fallsfall, that you are feeling this way. And I hope that you are able to stay long enough to work through it with her. Or if not her, then with someone who understands the dynamics and is patient and sensitive to it.

Dinah

 

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