Posted by fallsfall on May 28, 2003, at 22:20:21
I know that I judge myself - "I am good" (rarely), "I am bad". I also place much too much importance on what my therapist thinks of me. I read her body language and tone of voice to figure out what she is thinking. When I think that she is mad or unhappy or frustrated with me, then I feel that I am "bad". Being "bad" is one of the worst things I can be. If the badness is bad enough then I think that I shouldn't live.
Usually, I don't figure out that I think she is mad/unhappy/frustrated until I have left her office. At that point I have a long week ahead of me in total agony. Last week I explained to her how I had felt the whole week, and before I left she made it a point to tell me that she thought I was heading in the right direction. I replayed that sentance over and over last week, and I actually had a pretty good week.
This week I was able to figure out what was making me feel so sick during the session - I thought she was disappointed in me. I told her how I was feeling. She said that it wasn't about whether she was disappointed or not. She said that she was not judging me. But this didn't help me - I think that I don't know how to live without judging. I'm not a judgemental person, but I think that I make background judgements all the time.
The role where I am least judgemental is when I teach figure skating. I do accept each student where they are, and we work to make progress from there. And I'm more excited when one of the "less naturally gifted" students learn something than I am when someone tries it and gets it the first time. So I do a lot of the radical acceptance stuff, and I like almost all of my students. But I don't like the ones who repeatedly won't listen to me and keep doing it their wrong way. If they want to talk to me about the merits of different techniques, that's fine. But if they only have their own way, then I tend to give the other students my time. I also, internally, judge the overall technique and the raw talent of my students. That just helps me to know how to approach them. Usually, my favorite students are the one with terrible technique and no talent - they need me the most. So I do judge/categorize skaters - both technique and talent, and attitude and cooperation. The ones I particularly like I go out of my way to help - either telling them that they did well, or making sure they know where to get their skates sharpened, or checking the size of their skates. To me, that is a judgement of them.
This isn't a very different role than she plays with me. I don't see how it can be done without judgement.
Is is possible to not judge? How is it done?
poster:fallsfall
thread:229850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/229850.html