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Re: Judging

Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 23:02:15

In reply to Judging, posted by fallsfall on May 28, 2003, at 22:20:21

> I know that I judge myself - "I am good" (rarely), "I am bad". I also place much too much importance on what my therapist thinks of me. I read her body language and tone of voice to figure out what she is thinking. When I think that she is mad or unhappy or frustrated with me, then I feel that I am "bad". Being "bad" is one of the worst things I can be. If the badness is bad enough then I think that I shouldn't live.
>

Wow. I don't have much to offer you, because that's exactly how I think as well. I'm either a good girl (which I try very hard to be) or I'm a bad girl. And the idea of being a bad girl terrifies me to my marrow.

> This isn't a very different role than she plays with me. I don't see how it can be done without judgement.
>
> Is is possible to not judge? How is it done?

This is such a coincidence. This very subject, more or less, came up with my therapist a couple of sessions ago. More along the lines of whether he disliked having me as a client. I told him there were some people at work that I was happy to hear from, and others that made my heart sink. And I hoped they didn't know the difference, so how would I know the difference with him? But I also told him that I realized that he did dislike me for the first several years of our treatment (although he claims I mistook frustration for dislike) and that I didn't think it mattered because he still behaved well. Maybe that's why I feel safe with him. Because he behaved well even though he disliked (or was frustrated by) me. I told him how much his very occasional (I can think of about two occasions) expressions of positive feelings for me meant, because he didn't "have" to say them.

So I think I understand what you mean. How would you be able to tell if she was frustrated with you, or was disappointed in you? They don't tell us those things (unless we ask straight out - or at least mine tells me when he's frustrated with me if I ask). And of course, whatever they say, it's hard to believe they are completely non-judgemental. But I do think they can be completely committed to helping you. And completely in your corner, wanting you to succeed.

And I suspect that nonjudgemental and accepting has a particular meaning in therapist speak. It can't possibly mean having no reactions that are less than positive. It must mean putting those reactions aside, or trying to understand the behavior and empathize with the reasons for it.

And it's impossible for you to be a "good" client every week. It's impossible for anyone. But that doesn't mean you're "bad". It just means you had an off week. Doesn't she have an off week from time to time? And don't you still value her anyway?

One of my therapist's main goals with me is for me to understand that we can get angry with each other, and still maintain a relationship. He teases me that he won't run screaming out of the room if I get angry. (Of course, he'll get angry back. People always want you to express anger, but never really at them.) And that even if he's angry (or frustrated, as he puts it) with me, we'll work through it. I understand in theory, but that doesn't stop the visceral terror when he's mad at (frustrated with) me. But at least I know when he is. Since helping me learn to deal with those feelings is a goal of his, he doesn't really try to hide his reactions anymore.

Do you think your recent history with her has something to do with your fears, in which case they would seem to be reasonable under the circumstances, and something you need to work on together. Or were they before then? In which case it's still something you can work on together.

With me it's one of my core problems, the need to be good. The need to have people not be angry with me. And it's a major focus of therapy. That no, I'm not always good, and yes, that's okay.

Sorry to ramble on so.

(By the way, I used to have those time released reactions to therapy. Exasperating isn't it?)

 

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poster:Dinah thread:229850
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