Posted by fallsfall on May 29, 2003, at 19:54:48
In reply to Re: Judging, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2003, at 23:02:15
Dinah,
Thank you for your response. I think that we do have some things in common, and that really is helpful.
> This is such a coincidence. This very subject, more or less, came up with my therapist a couple of sessions ago. More along the lines of whether he disliked having me as a client. I told him there were some people at work that I was happy to hear from, and others that made my heart sink. And I hoped they didn't know the difference, so how would I know the difference with him? But I also told him that I realized that he did dislike me for the first several years of our treatment (although he claims I mistook frustration for dislike) and that I didn't think it mattered because he still behaved well. Maybe that's why I feel safe with him. Because he behaved well even though he disliked (or was frustrated by) me. I told him how much his very occasional (I can think of about two occasions) expressions of positive feelings for me meant, because he didn't "have" to say them.
I think that she tries to "behave well". She says the right things. But I see other things in her body language - and that is what I base my assumptions on. I have been reading negative body language for almost a year and a half (ever since I crashed this time). Mostly there was boredom, and I could handle that, though I tended to become aggravated when I wasn't making any progress. But starting with the previous incident when I believed that she was angry (and she later agreed that she was), I see lots of negative things in her body language. For the first 7 years, I believed that she liked me. But now I can't say that as long as she says the right thing that all will be well. I can't ignore the body language. If I think she is negative to me I cannot cope.
>
> So I think I understand what you mean. How would you be able to tell if she was frustrated with you, or was disappointed in you? They don't tell us those things (unless we ask straight out - or at least mine tells me when he's frustrated with me if I ask). And of course, whatever they say, it's hard to believe they are completely non-judgemental. But I do think they can be completely committed to helping you. And completely in your corner, wanting you to succeed.
>Is she completely committed to helping me, and wanting me to succeed? She wants me to succeed. I do think that she is having trouble feeling invested in helping me.
> And I suspect that nonjudgemental and accepting has a particular meaning in therapist speak. It can't possibly mean having no reactions that are less than positive. It must mean putting those reactions aside, or trying to understand the behavior and empathize with the reasons for it.
It doesn't matter to me if she is putting the reactions aside and saying the right "therapist" thing. My self worth is currently controlled by her (this is what we are trying to change, but it isn't changed yet). So, whatever she feels professionally doesn't matter. If she is personally angry/frustrated/disappointed then I am "Bad" (with a capital B).
>
> And it's impossible for you to be a "good" client every week. It's impossible for anyone. But that doesn't mean you're "bad". It just means you had an off week. Doesn't she have an off week from time to time? And don't you still value her anyway?If she is angry, then I am "Bad" (as in evil).
If it was just once, then maybe. But I have been bad for a long time now.
>
> One of my therapist's main goals with me is for me to understand that we can get angry with each other, and still maintain a relationship. He teases me that he won't run screaming out of the room if I get angry. (Of course, he'll get angry back. People always want you to express anger, but never really at them.) And that even if he's angry (or frustrated, as he puts it) with me, we'll work through it. I understand in theory, but that doesn't stop the visceral terror when he's mad at (frustrated with) me. But at least I know when he is. Since helping me learn to deal with those feelings is a goal of his, he doesn't really try to hide his reactions anymore."visceral terror" - what a great phrase.
I wish I could be sure that I'll be there long enough to work out those feelings.
>
> Do you think your recent history with her has something to do with your fears, in which case they would seem to be reasonable under the circumstances, and something you need to work on together. Or were they before then? In which case it's still something you can work on together.No, it is just the last 3 months. I thought we were working on them together. Last week she was very careful to make sure that I was feeling OK. This week she very specifically refused to do that.
>
> With me it's one of my core problems, the need to be good. The need to have people not be angry with me. And it's a major focus of therapy. That no, I'm not always good, and yes, that's okay.
>
> Sorry to ramble on so.You ramble very nicely. Thank you.
>
> (By the way, I used to have those time released reactions to therapy. Exasperating isn't it?)
poster:fallsfall
thread:229850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230053.html