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Re: different types of ideation mmcasey

Posted by whiterabbit on April 24, 2003, at 22:54:16

In reply to different types of ideation, posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 19:17:41

Damn, I let myself get upset this evening about that pesky divorce business and had a good cry.
Then I was feeling dismayed because I lost control - bad enough - but I had to make things worse for myself by crumbling right in front of the enemy (who fled the scene, so I'm sitting here drinking his last couple of beers out of spite. I don't really care for beer).

Anyway...here comes the point...I was about to give up hope on distracting myself. Couldn't read my book. Couldn't follow TV. Too shaky to call anybody. And here you are, casey my angel.

Indeed you are brave for discussing suicidal thoughts, as we often feel so distressed and ashamed by ideas of self-destruction that we keep
this darkness inside. We can't believe that somebody else would really understand, and actually I think that anyone who hasn't been in the grip of serious depression can truly comprehend the blackness and massive pressure that
we bottom-dwellers live with.

So we tend to curl up and not reach out, and for the most part this is probably a good instinct.
It doesn't help to be patted on the back and told to keep our chin up, and it certainly doesn't help to see dismay or fright in the face of a loved one. But it does help to connect with others who have managed to live through the torment and know exactly what you're talking about. The details vary but the underlying wish to just end the pain is what drives us all to such drastic measures.

I know you, I've been to the terrible place where
you are now. After thinking about suicide for many years - the idea would go away for awhile but it kept coming back like a cancer - each time this wish to self-destruct would return, I would get just a little bit closer to the act itself.
Once, quite awhile back, when it was late and I was alone, I did load a gun and hold it beneath my chin for some time. Finally I turned the gun and shot a hole through the wall (it was just a .22, I knew the bullet couldn't wander outside somehow) and after that, I was able to put the gun away.

Just last year, I woke up in ICU after an overdose. My stomach had been pumped and I was hooked up to bags and machines. I couldn't understand why I had been spared, why I was still around. People who love life die every day, and there I was - drained, wretched, but alive. It didn't seem right or fair.

Shortly after I was released from the psychiatric ward, the medication I had been taking for years
finally kicked in (of course, I hadn't been taking the same dosage of the same medication for years...I had to get through the dreaded experimental stage and plow through all the side effects). First the bipolar symptoms faded to a tolerable degree and then the SSRI went to work.
My God, it took forever and I'll tell you the main reason in one word...non-compliance. I'd forget meds, run out of meds, skip them on purpose so I could drink (never wash down your Seroquel with alcohol, I'm telling you now).

But now I'm completely out of self-destruct mode, unless you count smoking and okay, sometimes too much wine. Of course I'm devestated about my husband's sordid little affair and the pending divorce, but
that's a reasonable reaction.

So let me leave you with these thoughts.

-If you can bear it, please consider admitting yourself to a hospital with a reputable psychiatric program. I know it sounds awful but it's not. Once you get past the fear and shame, it's quite an experience. Your medications and the reaction you have to them are closely monitered so they can be tweaked if necessary.
Decisions and other pressures are temporarily removed so that you can concentrate on getting well. You'll connect with some of the other patients and be amazed by the people who understand your ordeal. I became attached to a medical resident (an almost-doctor) who had managed to somehow get herself hooked on street heroin, and we clung to each other like sisters.
I left the place feeling relieved and somewhat hopeful, something I never imagined feeling again in this lifetime.

-I'm convinced now that suicide is wrong, spiritually and morally wrong. I believe that if you don't deal with the pain in this life, you'll just have to pick up where you left off in the next life. I'm fuzzy on the details, but I'm convinced that it works something like that.

God bless-
Gracie



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