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suicidal ideation - your thoughts, please

Posted by mmcasey on April 24, 2003, at 14:32:18

So, the other day, I was "toying" a lot with the idea of overdosing
on some of my medications (trazodone and risperdal, to be
specific). I was about 98% sure that I would NOT do it.
But I still had this incredible urge to dump out all of the pills,
place them in my hand close to my mouth. What I REALLY wanted
to do was put them in my mouth, and not swallow. But I didn't
do that because I didn't want to get them all soggy and then put
them back in the bottle. I told my therapist about this incident.
She was okay about it, but of course worried that I could easily
just decide to put them in my mouth and swallow. She said it
was an act to be taken "very seriously". I agree. But I really
was not planning to actually swallow. I don't know really what the
meaning and purpose of this urge is. I would not say that it
makes me feel better or worse than not doing it. It's just
really hard to resist, but I certainly don't feel like I am in some
kind of trance or not in control of myself. What do you guys think?
I'm just not sure what to make of it. I've done it other times, too,
but this was the first time I really wanted to put them in
my mouth.




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