Posted by leeran on April 24, 2003, at 14:49:19
In reply to Re: Depression is black » noa, posted by tina on April 24, 2003, at 14:17:46
"It's all so complicated, isn't it?"
Amen, sister! I'm always reminded of "when she was good, she was very good, but when she was bad she was awful" or whatever that old line is.
"She" in this instance would be, I suppose, my overall sense of well-being (or not so well being).
For me, it's like standing at the bottom of some dark, slippery, filthy pit and knowing that I'm going to have to get really dirty, and really tired, and really scared before I get to the top.
AND, there are the "what ifs" - what if I make it to the top but I can't hoist my big butt over the edge and end up sliding back down? What if I get out and fall in again? What if someday I fall in and never get out?
No wonder my ex said I was "okay, but I could be 'dark'!" There's the dark cloud, the dark pit, and all points in between.
BUT THEN, there are the good days. But, does anyone else feel (on the good days) like there's something missing (i.e. worrying about everything). I think JYL mentioned something similar in a post.
I guess we get comfortable with what we know, even if it's worrying, negative thoughts, guilt, self-recrimination, etc. Sometimes my familiar devil is less frightening than the devil I don't know (worn out cliche day). I've learned to dance with him and look like I'm enjoying it.
I've never done any long-term therapy, just spurts here and there in relation to marriage. I'm starting to think it's part of my missing link.
A friend of mine called yesterday, beating the "therapy" drums. She knows I'm out of the pit when I answer her calls (or make the effort to pick up the phone to call her), so she makes hay while the sun shines (a cliche a day . . . ), calling me more than once, leaving messages like "I was just going to tell you that if you decide to go ahead with therapy . . . "
I know she means well and therapy (12 or more years - once a week) has done wonders for her, but I really want to get my meds adjusted before I go blabbing my life history to someone I might not even end up trusting/liking.
I would really like to just write it all up in a neat little package, drop it off and say "Okay, here's the background and now here's $____ to cover your time reading it. Let's get together once you've read the prospectus."
I feel the same way when I go to our favorite little restaurant down the street and a new waiter/waitress comes to the table. I just wish I had a pre-printed card to hand over to simplify things (because damn it, I am complicated). I want dressing on my salad but an extra little container of dressing, "just in case." I do NOT want capers but my husband wants them on the side. I like my drink in a "to go" cup because I have issues with the rims of plastic restaurant glasses."
Yep, it is all so complicated.
poster:leeran
thread:221400
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030421/msgs/222037.html