Posted by Gracie2 on March 13, 2003, at 4:10:09
In reply to Interpersonal relationships » bozeman, posted by kazoo on March 11, 2003, at 5:50:12
I know you're in pain, but allow me to give you some perspective on this terrible time that you're going through right now.
Twenty years ago, I fell in love with a man who sounds JUST LIKE the person who is now torturing you because he seems so uncaring.
Guess what? This man you love is not hurting you on purpose. The truth is even worse; he's not thinking about your feelings AT ALL. You don't even exist for him. Your pain, your suffering, doesn't affect him in the least because he's not even thinking of you. He's so focused on his own wants and desires, any attempt you make to "win him back" will be considered, at worst, just pathetic. If he's a real asshole, he'll simply view your crying as a weakness he can use to get laid. While you're thinking that he must really love you after all! because he was so intense and the sex was so wonderful, in HIS mind he's congratulating himself for wringing one last blow-job out of you or even worse, he thinks that he's a saint for throwing you a mercy-f***.
I know this sounds awful, but I really am trying to help you. If you somehow convince this man to return and marry you, he'll feel trapped and he will come to resent you. He'll do whatever he wants, regardless of your feelings, and you'll spend your life in pain. You'll never "change" him, he will never be different. He'll find fault with whatever you do, no matter how hard you try.
Now that my husband is dumping me for a younger woman, I've been wandering around our house trying to figure out what I want to take with me into the "new life" I have to suddenly build for myself after 20 years of marriage. He has kindly offered to "let me" have my own car and whatever
furniture I want, because he wants the divorce to be "civil". Pretty low, right? No. This is low; in a very warm and concerned voice, he said, "Why should we make a couple of lawyers rich? You can have whatever you want, we don't have to fight this out in court. If you want the TV in the livingroom, you can have it. Just tell me what you want, and we can work it out."I stared at him in shock. We had been together for 20 years, and I had worked for 19 of those years, often supporting him while he went through college without a job. In 1986, I put down $16,000
of my own hard-earned money as a down-payment for our "dream house". He hated the house and, I guess, he hated me. I spent all those years in denial, thinking that if I loved him enough and tried hard enough, he would finally love me. It was useless.I can't even feel jealous of the woman he's chasing now. She has NO IDEA what kind of monster he can really be. As soon as he gets bored with her, she'll be tossed aside. While she's at home trying to iron his pants in the exact way that he's specified OVER and OVER, and what a moron she must be for not getting it right even after HE'S EXPLAINED IT TO HER TIME AFTER TIME, he's at a strip-bar tucking five-dollar bills into a gyrating bikini. Then he stumbles in at dawn, opens the refrigerator door to look for more beer
and notices a package of hamburger sitting there
that you obviously paid good money for, after he TOLD YOU to be more careful with money and only buy things on sale. That PROVES you're stupid and worthless, that you never listen to him, and he can't understand how he ever got saddled with such a sorry bitch.Think you could never lower yourself to this level? Just spend some time with the guy. He'll eventually convince you that he's sticking around as a huge favor, because you're such a loser that nobody else would have you.
Now that he's done with me, I'm looking around and trying to figure out what to take with me, and what to leave. I'm completely shattered and just like always, there is no sympathy. He has no feelings for me at all, he looks at me with the eyes of a reptile. After announcing that he wanted a divorce and never wanted to see me again, he happened to walk into the same room, a day later, and noticed that I was sitting in a chair bent over with my head in my hands. I had cried until I couldn't cry anymore, and I was just sitting there in shock with my hands over my face.
My husband said, "What's the matter? Do you have a headache?"
RUN. RUN. RUN.
-Gracie
poster:Gracie2
thread:207662
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030308/msgs/208670.html