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Worst fear realized . . .

Posted by bozeman on March 10, 2003, at 1:12:22

My life sucks. I finally managed to get out of bed yesterday (been deathly ill for nearly 2 weeks, all I've done is take care of Zorro, eat when I remember to, and go back to bed) and felt sort of human. Not even almost human, but better than death warmed over, which was an improvement. Decided that there really is no time like the present, for some things, and I'd just as soon get it over with, as bad news doesn't get any better from being delayed. I confronted the boyfriend. Unfortunately, he responded *exactly* as I knew in my heart he would, but hoped he wouldn't, so with a heavy heart I gathered up my stuff and left without a word. No point in belaboring it, or fighting until dawn over something neither of us is willing to budge on. I didn't scream, didn't plead, didn't cry, and he watched my every move, like he was expecting to wake from a bad dream, expecting me to crack and say I'm sorry, let's don't do this, just watched me pack the car and drive away. Didn't offer to help, and I didn't ask. He just stood there in the door like a ghost and watched me go.

This is the story of my life -- fall in love with a man, and eventually reach an impasse over the very terms of the relationship. I'm not going to agree with you simply because you can shout louder than I can. You don't have to agree with me, but you have to allow me my opinions, and don't ask me what they are unless you actually want to know. I'll be tactful, always, but I won't lie to you to make you happy. I don't shove my opinions on him, or my way of doing things, but he expects me to adopt his. Not because he thinks he's better or smarter, but because he's insecure, and he's the Man so he should win.

Jeez, how many times have I lived this by now??? How much money have I spent on couples counseling only to hear the counselor tell "mate of the year" that, "Yes, the woman has a point -- you're not being fair about this. You have to either agree to disagree, or agree to problem-solve to a mutually agreeable solution, or at worst to a compromise, and any idea is not automatically a bad idea just because she thought of it first. She's a classically trained problem solver, and you can't expect her to just leave that at work and act like a damsel in distress when she comes home. It seems to me she's more than willing to meet you halfway on any front you wish. I wish my wife was half that flexible, for pete's sake. What's the matter with you, can't you see what a great thing you have going here? Most men would kill for a mate like her," yada yada yada. While all this is nice and affirming for my conflict-resolution skills, it doesn't do a damn thing to keep my relationship together, much less help my other problems, like needing a mate I can trust and count on, who's ready for marriage and fatherhood before my biological clock expires, wanting someone to laugh and share and grow with, not wanting to grow old alone, with no husband or children or grandchildren.

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of these people who starts naming children before the end of the first date. This has been a four-year relationship, the one before that was a four years, before that was two years, etc. etc. I don't think by anyone's standards I'm expecting anything ridiculous here. I just apparently have a gift for choosing men who are either incapable of or unwilling to commit to a workable long-term relationship with me -- and a blind spot (soft spot? In my head?) for noticing it early on, when separation would hurt less and the time spent would matter less. I know, I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with -- I'm too smart for my own good, obsessive, compulsive, opinionated, stubborn, sensitive, somewhat of a perfectionist, overachiever, goal-oriented, and insecure sometimes -- but I'm also loyal, dedicated, principled, passionate about life and love, resourceful, strong, nurturing, gentle, creative, interesting, funny, and fun to be around. Lots of weight on both sides of the package, I know. Is that so terrible? Is it so hard to deal with that the "normal" guys all run screaming, and all I'm left with are the "machismo" brutes or impractical poets who can't hold a job (like my ex-husband, an eight-year relationship.)

I know, I know, AD's are not supposed to *stop* you from feeling pain, they're supposed to allow you to feel your pain and deal with it without being overwhelmed into numbness. I suppose I'd be completely numb and incapable of doing anything but curling up into a ball without them . . . and for that, I'm sure I should be glad. But it still sucks. And I still want to crawl into a hole. I know, medication doesn't solve anything, it just gives you breathing room so you can work through your emotional baggage -- you still have to work through it. And I will -- I don't have a choice, it's my life, I have to fix it and keep going. For tonight at least, I have chocolate, I have alcohol, and I have kitties. I know the alcohol will fight my AD's and make me feel like sh*+ tomorrow, but I don't care, it's not like I'm not already sick so what's the difference? It's better than the alternative (calling him and rehashing the same old garbage, which I refuse to do. He's had a month to think about this since we fought about it the first time, and if he hasn't budged in that time, he's not going to. God Himself could sweep down from Heaven and tell this man he was wrong and it wouldn't matter, he'd find a way to sidestep it.)

Don't worry, I'm not in danger, from him, or from myself. I just have to find my way through this existential angst hell for the next however long it lasts. There ought to be a rule, that only one thing in your life can go to pieces at a time. The loss wouldn't hurt any less, but it would be easier to handle if not for everything else (layoffs, reorg, old job phased out, new job not exactly a dream job, overly ridiculous stressful deadlines interspersed with periods of bore-me-to-tears tedium, hours too long and pay too short, too many medical expenses not covered by insurance, never enough money, never enough time, or energy to do anything productive or rewarding, can't get my life organized, allergic to anything and everthing so I can't even get carry-out without major trauma, life is a mess, house is a mess, can't seem to dig out from under the mess of being without a place of my own for so many years (my stuff was all in storage for the longest time, so I don't even remember what's in half the boxes, I just remember the stuff I want to find but can't, like my bread machine, and workout equipment), I owe a bunch of money I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to pay from the years-long saga of "we-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-you-but-maybe-this-expensive-specialist-can-tell-us-oh-maybe-not-maybe-you-need-this-expensive-test-instead-oh-your-insurance-doesn't-cover-this-one-oh-that's-right-you-don't-have-insurance-because-you-can-no-longer-work-etc!" and in the middle of it all your car breaks down and of course you have to put a couple thousand dollars of repairs on a damn credit card), yikes, it'll take a miracle to keep me from losing my house before the year is out (I'm not exaggerating at all about this), my family is falling apart and needs my help, but I can't run my own life competently, what the hell can I do for them, but I'm the only one who can, so it'll be me anyway, etc. etc. etc. I'm tired of typing out all my troubles, it's just depressing me worse. You get the picture, I'm sure.)

I don't know what the hell to do. I could disappear, I suppose, change my name and buy a new identity, not steal someone else's, but create one from scratch like they do for witness protection program people, but that never works long-term, my problems would still be my problems just under another name, and I could never get another job without my credentials anyway, which tie me to my old life. And even if I did that, it wouldn't solve the problem of the expiring biological clock, and the ridiculous hopeless impossible pressure that puts on me and the poor man who ends up being my "last-chance-to-reproduce" relationship. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure, spoken or unspoken. (Hey, on the bright side, at least I can think about *having* another relationship, and not drowning myself in the bathtub! Let's hear it for psychotropic drugs!!!!!!)

Remember that old ad "Calgon, take me away!!!" That's how I feel right now. I just want to dig a hole, crawl in, and never come out. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Is it?

I don't know if it's the wine, delirium, exhaustion, or the purgative effect of writing this, but I do feel better. Thanks for listening to my madness.


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poster:bozeman thread:207662
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030308/msgs/207662.html