Posted by Mikhail99 on December 26, 2002, at 18:21:06
In reply to Re: The saga continues...Chapter 2 » mikhail99, posted by Miller on December 26, 2002, at 8:39:52
> Thank you so much for your kind words. I think I will be helping myself by releasing my life, abridged as it may be. It something I have never been able to do, much to the dismay of my psychologist. So, by sharing the story here, I am hoping to get the courage to be able to share it with my shrink, in detail.
>
> I can't (won't?) stop "beating myself up" over it. I think if normal people knew of what I have done, I would be an outcast if I would be allowed to roam free. So, the only hope I can see right now is to learn to deal with the punishment or to end my life.
>
> I am open to any other suggestions, but haven't been able to think of any on my own.
>
>Miller, first of all define "normal". I mean, I think there are many, many people who have done awful things in the past and what makes them truly horrible is they don't recognize how bad those things are. You KNOW that what you did was wrong. I think that is an indication that you know you are not beyond redemption. But you must explore why you did those things with your therapist. I think he can help you realize that you wouldn't do those things again if you could do it over again and that you're not the person you were back then. That man you were involved with was the evil one! HOLY COW, reading about him made me so angry, what a scumbag. I apologize if my judgement of him is upsetting but I wonder if it wouldn't be healthy somehow to focus some of your anger towards him?
I just don't know, I'm not an expert but you got a raw deal in that situation and you didn't have the "tools" to cope. (Sorry for the psych jargon! EEK!) I know how hard I am on myself so I know how hard it is to stop beating yourself up over the past. Please try to talk to your therapist about this, whatever it takes. And please take care of yourself during this time. If you'd like to email me about this, especially when it's bad, it's mikhail99@aol.com. I check that mail frequently.
poster:Mikhail99
thread:33940
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021226/msgs/34038.html