Posted by Anna Laura on December 11, 2002, at 2:46:51
My new-pdoc is not returning my calls. The clinical psychopharmacologist who diagnosed bipolar II is always out at congresses. She was supposed to come back yesterday: i've been waiting an entire week to talk to her; i called the University Clinic yesterday and they told me she wasn't there yet.
Don't know where to turn. Anhedonia and apathy are worse then ever.
Bad news: SPECT scans showed basal ganglia hypoperfusion, which is consistent with my symptoms. i was surfing the net this morning and found an article about apathy syndrome, a distinct syndrome from depression where caudate, putamen and thalamus structures are involved (just like my case: those structures are "clouded" in my SPECT scan); this syndrome, which is similar to PD (Parkinson Desease) depression, showed up to be resistant to counseling and antidepressants therapy (my case as well). I recalled a phrase the psychopharmacologist said about PD's depression (she also believes my depression to be similar to PD's depression even though i don't have PD, thanks god). Somatosensory innervations start from there (that's why can't feel my body as a whole, nor pleasure or pain, it's like i were anesthetized).
I know i shouldn't have read it, didn't want to indulge in my suffering, quite the opposite, i was just trying to find some hope; i'm aware i seem to selectively pick the "worst cases" when i feel gloomy and the worst scenarios are depicting in my mind as a consequence.I leraned the "lesson": i won't be surfing on the net anymore, not in this period, 'cause makes me feel too bad.
I'd be happy if only i could return to my early depression period; i was depressed, felt desperate, but i could accept to live like that, 'cause i still had a few nice moments spared by illness.
I remember i used to light scented candles, put them on the floor, laying on the bed and listen to music, smelling the perfume, or having a cup of hot chocolate milk and a nice Camel cigarette and watching the starry night poking my head outside my window. I was suffering but i felt alive somehow. And i was pleased if friends would call or come visit. Perhaps i'm asking too much and those moments are gone forever, i don't know.
Tegretol and Mirapex augmenting failed. Mirapex made more depressed, and now i'm more miserable then a few weeks ago, when i started the new medication therapy.
Sorry for venting. I feel pathetic.
P.S.Don't worry: i don't feel suicidal.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:33204
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33204.html