Posted by sid on March 3, 2002, at 0:06:05
In reply to happiness?, posted by Penny on March 2, 2002, at 21:03:17
> The concept of happiness is extremely elusive to me.
Me too !
> Is anyone ever truly happy? I don't mean can they experience periods of joy or can they have fun occasionally, but are there folks out there who love life for what it is and are satisfied with that? Who have their ups and downs but rarely, if ever, see life as something that might not be worth it?I think I have been happy for a few months now. I feel good, without noise or flashiness. It is very simple, very quiet and calm. It's like I had been looking for myself all my life, and I finally found myself. At times I felt like life was not worth it, or that I was not worthy of a good life. Now I feel I belong to my time and place, and I dream of good things happening to me again.
Last fall, I was struggling with dysthymia, the fear of another episode of major depression and anxiety. In many ways, my situation is no better than it was a few months ago: I still have financial problems and lots of uncertainty in my professional and personal life - I don't even know in which country I'll end up living. My life is still on shaky grounds, but these days, I don't worry about it. I do what I have to do for things to get better for me, and I enjoy doing it (working, basically, to catch up on lost times). I have confidence that whatever happens, like a cat, I'll get back on my feet and won't break my back. I have learned so much and I am so strong. The very fact that I'm still alive is proof of that to me. I made it! I used not to believe in God, but now I wonder. I was so desperate at times, I did pray for a better life, and it's here now. I'm strong, but I wonder if I was not helped by someone else... wow. I would NEVER have written something like that before. But today, I thought about that... did God answer my prayers? I'm not one bit religious, I don't belive in organized religions, so don't get me wrong here... I'm just wondering about something I thought I had rejected forever.
I enjoy life, short moments of it, everyday. My father died of lung cancer 10 years ago, desperately trying to breathe with lungs that had become useless. Since then, I've developed this thing where I relax, breath in and out, and I enjoy just that: the miracle of life through breathing; the comfort of a healthy breath. Also, I started a viniyoga class 2 months ago, and we have many breathing exercises and techniques that also make me feel very good - a little island to myself, quiet and pleasant, inside my head, doing good to my body and mind at once. Anyway - don't want to get too weird here, but yeah, I think I'm happy. I haven't complained about anything except my sleep pattern (side effect from Effexor XR) in the last couple of months, so I must happy. I used to complain all the time! I take pleasure in many small things too. I feel like a sponge, taking it all in, after so many years of drought. My new found happiness is not directly contingent on events or other people either; it's part of me. For the first time in my life, at 34, I feel grounded. I know who I am, what I stand for, what I enjoy, the kind of life I want, I started making projects again because I feel like it, not because "I should do so." I love it, and I sure hope it lasts. I do everything I can so it does. People ask me: how are you? And I say: very well, thank you. The good thing is that, for the first time of my life, I mean it.
Like you, I also used to wonder if anyone was happy. Now I know it exists, I know what it feels like. I also realize I always was close to it, but not quite there... it's hard to explain. It feels natural even though it's completely new to me. I always wondered how people could be so cruel as to have children and put them through life. Now I see how life can be a wonderful gift, even if it's not forever, even if it's not perfect. And again, the feeling I have now is within me. I was shooting for that and I'm there: happiness no matter what. Hard times, yes, but happiness nevertheless.
I must sound as cheesy as I used to think happy people sounded. So be it! ;-)
- sid
poster:sid
thread:19111
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/19124.html