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Re: happiness? » Penny

Posted by sid on March 4, 2002, at 23:38:10

In reply to Re: happiness? » sid, posted by Penny on March 4, 2002, at 9:56:45

> Sid,
>
> I think what you said is beautiful.
>
> To what do you attribute this new found happiness?

Well, I attribute it to many things I've done in the past 7 years, after my first episode of major depression at 27 years old:
- psychotherapy, lots of it, over many years, with breaks in between; generally 12 weeks at a time, plus twice longer term (mixture of talk therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT));
- reading about depression, dysthymia (which I had since I was 13 years old), CBT, co-dependence and grief;
- acupuncture, which was wonderful to help get out of my n-th episode (2nd or 3rd? I'm not even sure how many I had in total);
- moving back home, where I grew up. Even though it was not the best career choice at the time (last year), I felt I needed to do it. I found parts of myself back that I had forgotten about - playfulness especially... I may move back away next year as I am back on the career track, but I am glad I came back, it did help to find myself again.

Over the years I became better slowly, except for the acupunture which had a big-step effect on me. Then last fall, I realized that I had no more symptoms of major depression, but the dysthymia was still there. I had done all the psychotherapy I cared to do at that point, and I decided to see a medical doctor to see if meds could help. She said yes, let's try Effexor XR. She made me realize I had an anxiety problem too, which I was not aware of before. After 2 weeks at 37.5mg a day, I felt a bit better, especially more carefree, less anxious, than before. I've been on 75mg a day for 2 months now, and I feel the best I've felt ever in my adult life. No sign of dysthymia (after 21 years of it!!!), no anxiety. Also, to help control my anxiety, now and when I try to get off the meds, in about one year, I started to do viniyoga about two months ago. I love it, it makes me take conscience of my hapiness: the simple pleasure of existing, being there, breathing freely. I never thought such a simple thing could bring me so much. I'm realizing now that I don't need much to be happy -I don't have much and I am happy! Well, I have a lot, but I have many financial problems and uncertainty, no boyfriend, no kids. And I am happy. I trust that things will get better; I put almost everything aside to try and get better, so now I have some catching up to do. Some living to do!

So overall, I'd say this newfound happiness is due to all the efforts I've made over time to know myself better, to learn new techniques that help me get out of depression and STAY out of it (CBT techniques and more recently, yoga). Also to a wonderful acupuncturist. And more recently to my doc and Effexor XR. It was a gradual process though... all I've mentioned here contributed to make me feel better. But only recently, with the most recent, Effexor-lead improvements, have I thought "this has got to be it." My new wonderings about God... well, I have a friend who says that God puts people on her path that are crucial to her life at different times... I have met people that were blessings at different times; they had a crucial role in my recovery, and I'm thinking that perhaps my friend's views apply here. These people are:
- especially one of my many therapists (6 total, some students doing internships since I had no money and got some services through school), whom I initially though could never help me; I'm a Caucasian female and he was a Japanese male - I almost cancelled the first appointment because I thought our differences would make it impossible for him to help me. I now realize he had a huge impact on me. He was a university prof in psychology, very intellectual, and I was a PhD student (in something else), so it turns out that his take on things appealed greatly to me. He made me read some journal articles, talked to me as if I was one of his students at times. And then other times, he was sensitive enough to say one thing that hit the spot and made me feel not so alone. I recently remembered he had said that he practiced yoga to help him cope with stress and hardships. I decided to try viniyoga for my anxiety 2 months ago, so years after I stopped seeing him, he still influences me.
- my wonderful acupuncturist, who lives far far away from where I now am. If God did not put her on my path, I'd at least call this a wonderful synchronicity. She was salutary many many times, as a person and as an acupunturist. She could make my modd change, with her needles, within about 15 minutes. It was amazing. I have not found any other acupuncturist that I find as good as she was since I moved.
- my new doc, who was recommended to me by some co-workers, and who happens to think a lot like me.
- my yoga teacher.

After all this, I am sure of one thing: I am incredibly strong. This gives me confidence in my future. I got through it, even though I was desperate at times and thought I would not make it. I continue making efforts to make sure I am well for as long as possible. After all this, I think of prevention every day. I am careful with my health, because I know how precious it is.

That's how I got through it and found happiness. I hope it lasts!!!

One thing I would change if I lived through it again: I would take meds sooner. I'd do eberything else I mentioned here too, but I now think that meds have a catalytic impact on the recovery process. I was scared of taking them before, and so I tried my best to recover while NOT taking meds. With my past 3.5 months on Effexor XR, I think that with a good, caring doctor, one should not be scared of ADs.

> Oh...for the sleep problems (I have taken Effexor too!), my new pdoc told me to take 3mg of melatonin a night, about an hour before bed.

Thanks for the info! I'll talk to my doc about it.

Good luck in your quest... trust that you will find what you're looking for.

- sid


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