Posted by Marie1 on October 10, 2001, at 18:57:28
In reply to vacillation and weirdness, posted by sar on October 10, 2001, at 1:24:43
How best to write this and not come across as "preachy" or holier than thou?
First, let me say I totally understand drinking as self medicating. (I have a friend who refers to alcohol, pot, cocaine, etc. as "neuro-modifiers" - cute, huh :-).) I drank because it lifted me from that horrible pit of depression. Later, when meds kicked in, I drank because it was social, it was fun, I liked the effects, my friends did, my husband did, etc., etc. I only stopped drinking in early June, mostly because I viewed it as a dare from my pdoc, who really didn't think I'd be able to. Once I stopped, after several weeks, I realized several things: I felt better, looked better, and THOUGHT better. Even though I'm technically "in remission" from depression, those horrible sad, black, depressing thoughts would always come after a night of drinking.
Sar, when I read your post, I knew you were 3 sheets to the wind when you wrote it, because you posted that above somewhere. Those are some sad, black and depressing thoughts you had. Alcohol talking, but it can't just be discounted because you were under the influence. I know you know that's one of the most insidious things about alcohol - it changes our thoughts and provides us with the psuedo-bravery to do things we wouldn't otherwise do. My brother killed himself while under the influence of alcohol and drugs in 1997. Which isn't to say it wasn't intentional; it was. He left a journal making that very clear. He wasn't normally much of a drinker and I think he got loaded first to give him the courage he needed to OD.
You know, I really have a problem giving unsolicited advice. Especially since I'm no expert. But I really think, Sar, if you quit drinking, your life might not seem as bleak as you sometimes make it out to be. And too, the urge to harm yourself might abate and you won't be putting yourself in a position where your thoughts are black and off kilter, and you do something that may be irrevocable.
Julie, I hope you don't mind my putting your name in the subject line. I apologise if you are offended, but I thought you could relate.Marie
> so i'm on the telephone with my wrong-side-of-the-tracks friend that i met in the psych ward over the summer, and i'm asking that he score me enough heroin for 6 people, when finally he gets to the root of the matter and suggests that we off oursleves together with a gun. i'm in the middle of explaining to him that i belive suicide is a solo mission and that i want an easy drug-induced death rather than blood and guts, whem my friend rolls up in her new car and we spend the evening shopping at the mall, and i buy i skirt even though i think that next week i'll let this psych-ward friend of mine score me enough drugs to die, and this isn't a message of alrm but rather, do you often feel this way?--here i am depositing my checks, brushing my teeth, clocking in; here i am with a great boyfriend and painting my toenails and buying new undeez but i want o DIE DIE DIE, and what is to become of me?
>
> lying in bed forever is too boring.
>
> do i stay or should i go...do i up my dose of neurontin, do i do this or that, i don't want my life to be a jigsaw mystery-solver when i used to have so many other pursuits...in grade 5 i was so psyched about life that i's shower and dress at night before i wnt to bed, so that in the morning i could just pop up and walk a mile to school to happily do my early-morning duty of being a safety-guard.
>
> what happens to the teenage brain?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
>
> oh
> oh so dramaticLLY YRS,
>
> SAR
poster:Marie1
thread:12327
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12363.html