Posted by Lorraine on July 15, 2001, at 12:24:27
In reply to Re: speaking of love...yes possible 20 years... » Lorraine, posted by Marie1 on July 15, 2001, at 9:28:23
> The "emotional depth" you refer to - I'm afraid that's what I may be missing. And I don't remember if I had it BD (before depression). Except for my kids, I don't feel in touch with deep emotions. I've noticed other posters saying basically the same thing, and I wonder - did it come with depression?
See, now you've made me cry. I think of how much I have lost to this disease, but then realize that I would be truly lost is I lost my capacity to connect. It is what has kept me going all these years. Even in therapy, you don't feel emotions?
Or was it there all along? BTW, since the primal love I feel for my kids is still there, I wonder if perhaps it's stored in a different part of the brain?
I don't know. Love for my children is primal. But then someone wrote a book about her depression and using ECT. She said that when she was depressed every night she stood with her head leaning against the door to her daughter's room and that when that wasn't enough to keep her tethered to the earth, she checked into the hospital for ECT. So I guess there is something more that can be lost.
>
> >and I do the best I can with the resources I have at that moment. There is a emotional blossoming that happens in depression, a depth of understanding and compassion that other people do not have
>
> Does this emotional blossoming occur when you are in remission? or do you think it's a by-product of suffering the depression (while you are still depressed)?No, I feel this everyday in the middle of despair. My father-in-law writes me a touching email about how much he values me and tears spring to my eyes. I picture myself tethered to this earth by my relationships. When things are awful, I say to myself what one thing could I do to enhance a relationship with someone I care about. Sometimes I can do that one thing (call, write, send a gift, see them, have them over for dinner); sometimes I can't. But I find that with my depression so much is about managing energy and I allocate my resources first to maintaining relationships.
> >(unless they are near death--i mean this), these are strengths.
I just want to clarify. When people are dieing of a terminal illness--there are forced to develop resources within themselves to make this journey. I think that depression forces us to make the same sort of growth.
> I don't think you're bragging at all; Im envious of your being able to hold on to the depth of feeling you have for your husband. I'd give anything to get that back.I am so sorry that you have lost it. It not something that therapy or couple therapy can reclaim? Sometimes my husband and I go back into therapy together just to dust off the cobwebs, walls and rigidity that settles in on relationships.
> I also remember, during the worst parts of my illness, asking my husband to please kill me; I said I'd leave a note letting him off the hook. Good thing he never took me up on it! :-)I'd be scared to death to talk to my husband about suicide. He would worry about me constantly (it's his nature). He would worry about me driving for instance.
> I'm sincerely glad to hear of your positive relationship with your husband. I think maybe my spouse and I should do couples counseling but so far he's been against it. It may get to the point where we can't put it off.Well, if you go into therapy for yourself and ask him to join you to help you work on yourself and then ask him again to join you and so forth. Sometimes sticking the toe in the water, makes it easier to jump in. A lot of people are afraid of therapy. I wish you luck on this.
I want you to know how thoughtful and though-provoking your response was. Thank-you.
> Take care.
> Marie
poster:Lorraine
thread:7325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7461.html