Posted by annalaura on July 7, 2001, at 2:57:40
In reply to Re: is suicide ever peaceful?, posted by Willow on July 6, 2001, at 22:08:31
> but happy (really thinking I'd die a peaceful death).
> >
>
> People think I'm morbid at times because I read the obituaries. (Good place to check out job openings.) Anyway the thing about them that really bugs me is when they say the person died peacefully, from cancer, heart attack, whatever. Most the times the body is struggling to go on or the person is fighting their body to trying to keep going. And the death process started long before the moment the person died. My rant for the day.
>
> Here's my question for the day: How many of yous when you've been suicidal, acted on it, have been in a real anxious state prior to the attempt and then when you get into gear the anxiety is gone? Like Sar said, "but happy (really thinking I'd die a peaceful death)."
>
> Just wondering if this is normal.
>
> Whistling Willow
>
> ps Sar in real life I can't whistle, isn't it great all the things we can do in the cyberworld?
Hi Willow,
You talked about acting out suicide attempt and feeling peaceful right after that, right?
Hope i got this and didn't misunderstand what you meant. You know, it's much easier for me to understand difficult terminology rather than slang:since english it's not my language i don't understand slang phrases.
i didn't fully understand what you meant by "getting in to gear": hope i got that right.
I think something similar happened to me when i was very very sick years ago.
I was driving totally insane: it was the worst night of my life; was shacking like a leaf, my heart beat was racing up to 180 per minutes, friends wouldn't understand (they actually believed i took LSD or something like that).
I thought i was going to die, that the whole world was crushig down, that Apocalypse was coming etc...I was listening to the radio, everything seemes so unreal, five 'o clock in the mornings, birds singing, a bluish neon like light was filtering in through the venetian blinds.
The radio playing the news: i remember clearly they were talking about a man who was shot and died. That man had my same last name: i thought it was a sign that i had to prepare myself to die. I can't describe what happened to me but i felt like i could die .
I was absolutely sure that there wouldn't be any hell after death, that i was living in hell already, and that there would be just peace after that.
I started thinking that everything was fake, just an illusion.
My hearth beat decreased and i started smiling. Strange thing to say, i lied down on bed and put my arms crossed on my belly just like the dead. I felt i didn't care about dying anymore, wasn't scared anymore: all of a sudden there was a way out from this never ending fire burning inside my head. It was like being very very hot in the middle of the desert and a blue, huge, cool, tantalizing swimming pool showing up all of a sudden. That swimming pool was death and i was about to plunge in. Why did i resolve not to do that ?
Since everything was fake and life was just an illusion, i wasn't scared of life anymore. It was like a stage where everybody was playing a role. I felt like i didn't want to leave that stage at that point, since i could play any role i wanted to do. I could anything, since i could hold death in my hand. Death was so scary just an hour ago: at that very moment it was like a tiny little fly i captured with my hands.
My hands and feet grew warm, wasn't sweating anymore, i moved slowly to the kitchen and i made a coffee. No anxiety whatsoever. No more horror.
After that episode i read an article about a man waiting in the death row ; it was an interview. That man (i can't recall his name) decribed his emotional reactions and they were very similar to mine. He said something like: " i was scared as hell, it was such a torment thinking about i had to die, etc....then all of a sudden i grew quiet and felt peaceful. Right now i 'm not scared any longer".
Last week my grandmother died after ten years of Alzheimer desease: she had been very very anxiuos all the time; she was peaceful when she died though. My mother told me she was astonished by watching her face grow younger and younger. She looked like she was in her forties when she died. She had with a smile on her face....Sorry for being so lenghty. Hope i answered your question.
poster:annalaura
thread:7031
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7142.html