Posted by judy1 on March 29, 2001, at 14:07:08
In reply to It's OK » judy1, posted by Craig on March 29, 2001, at 2:39:10
Thank you, Craig- it's really helpful to me to have your understanding. I went back to the archived messages and I remembered one person had shared their negative feelings on hospitalization and I had forgotten it was your name. I didn't feel quite so alone reading your response that day, admidst posts about people actually WANTING to go to the hospital where they could feel SAFE! If you would like to share some of the ways you keep grounded I would love to read them. I am in So. Cal so I do have the luxury of following my therp's instructions- when I lived in Minnesota I was always depressed in the winter and spent thousands in a very nice bar drinking vodka martinis from 10am to closing. I always had I's (incomplete) grades winter quarter.
I'm trying to figure out some of my triggers- at night I awaken with panic attacks and often dissociate and cut; actually this is almost always when I cut. I dissociate a lot in my therp's office, but she's really good at spotting it and forces me to look into her eyes when I speak to her. She told me that people who have been abused as children are very astute at determining who they can trust and not trust within minutes. I don't know, sometimes it's really obvious when I meet a pdoc- like the one who said he would only treat me with ECT (and that was 10 minutes after he first met me!) Needless to say I was out of there. A lot of times I don't remember what sets me off, but if even an innocuous question is asked about my chilhood I feel a great deal of anxiety and dissociate. It's different than a panic attack, where my heart starts pounding and I sweat and get those tingling feelings down my arms and no matter how many times I have them, I'm convinced I'm dying. I know this is a continuum- the anxiety, panic, dissociation and DID. Are your meds helping? If so, do you know which ones? Scott had suggested naltrexone for my cutting, but I mentioned I had the opiate abuse problem. When I used to self medicate, I used narcotics, valium, alcohol and cocaine. While I'm the first to admit this isn't the healthiest way to go, I wonder sometimes if it isn't the purest in terms of what's being targeted. I was told that I would have to spend a long time in therapy, but like I said I think it makes me worse. But isn't that the whole idea- you get worse before better? I just hope they don't kill me first. Hope you are well- judy
poster:judy1
thread:5246
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010324/msgs/5349.html