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Re: Again to Craig (may have some triggering stuff

Posted by judy1 on March 28, 2001, at 19:37:45

In reply to Re: Again to Craig » judy1, posted by Craig on March 27, 2001, at 2:59:38

Dear Craig,
Thank you for writing such nice things and offering to help. I had a really bad night last night; I saw my shrink yesterday and while he is always careful with me, it doesn't take much to trigger me and I cut. I called him today and wondered if seeing him and my therp might be worsening things? He felt her mentioning the hospital might have gotten me going and he said he had spoken to her at length how threatened I feel by it. I guess it's things like this that make me wonder if that's why you dropped out of therapy. I'm on lamictal and klonopin and xanax (just stopped risperdal), I had a lot of cognitive problems with topamax. When I see my therp she writes a lot of things down on paper and gives them to me- I have stickers that say feet on them in my car and on my purse, etc- if I concentrate hard on my feet and curl my toes, I really don't zone out. The paper today says my son needs me (I felt really suicidal when I saw her) and I start getting into that negative trap where I think he's better off without me, but she said no child is better w/o his parent. As bad as things were with my father, when he committed suicide (I was 18)- I know how awful I felt and still do, so I don't want to do that to my son. It also says to play with my animals- I have a horse and cat, dogs and a very loud parrot and to walk in my yard and notice the flowers and birds. Some of these may sound really simplistic to you, but it helps me in the day- night is my bad time. My therp was dxed with DID and she has written books with another psychologist- Tracy Alderman- maybe you can find some useful stuff. One of the interesting things that happened yesterday was my shrink said the pharmacy called him for a refill of my xanax and he asked the pharmacist how I appeared and the pharmacist said lately I 'appeared together'. I told my shrink that over the years i have developed the skill to appear perfectly normal for a limited amount of time no matter how bad I feel with 'authority figures'. I learned that skill in hospitals, where if you say the right thing to the shrink or judge if they want to give you ECT, you get out. I think my shrink was horrified, but then he has probably never been in restraints where I go bezerk because i think I'm going to be raped and they stick a shot of haldol in me which shuts me up but not my mind. I'm truly sorry if I said things that have bothered you, I have no one who really understands this, maybe you do? Take care, judy


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