Posted by Racer on January 14, 2001, at 16:16:38
In reply to Help my heart is broken, posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
I'm with you, Lexie, in avoiding the one bitter angry home for your child. Even though you're getting nasties from your ex about it now, you know you're right! We're just reminding you of that. Don't let him make you doubt yourself!
(Doesn't that make it sound easy?)
As for the situation getting better, I was the step-mother, so it's not quite the same, but here's my experience:
My no-longer-cherished, who will always be one of my most valued friends, worked hard to avoid animosity with his ex-wife for the sake of the children. She, on the other hand, was always willing to jump in with really poisonous things to say about their father. The kids weren't stupid, they saw what was going on. It caused problems for both of them, so the kids suffer more than the parents, but when that part was worked out a little better it all got better.
Right now, it's hurting everyone so much, but it will get better. There's no question you need to grieve, and my heart goes out to you because of it. Once you grieve for the days and nights you won't have you lovely child, you can be an even better mother when you are together. Don't feel guilty, but do try to open lines of communication with your ex. The two of you won't ever have to be friends, but you should work as hard as you can to be friendly enough to save your mutual child from such pain. (In case that's not clear enough, your ex has to stop being a child about it, and grow up. He needs to act like a grown up for the sake of your child.)
And as the child of two dissimilar people who split up when I was younger than your baby, I was happier in a calmer household, where I didn't have to feel so guilty over the conflicts. And I admire my mother more than I can say for never saying anything bad about my father. She would have been justified, but she never did -- and in fact made more excuses about his behavior than she could ever have been asked to make. I learned all about him from my own experiences -- not hers. That was an invaluable gift for her to give me.
poster:Racer
thread:3916
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/3920.html