Posted by Rzip on October 15, 2000, at 23:26:35
In reply to Re: Support to what end? Caroline's post revisited. » Rzip, posted by shar on October 15, 2000, at 22:37:38
> Oh! This is so exciting. There is a lot I want to say about myself. Let's see...I am an undergraduate. I am majoring in Biology. In high school, I did very well in school. But right now, I am really struggling in school. I am told that it is not necessaryily because of the school load, or my extracurricular activities (work and I volunteer as a tutor once a week). My therapist said it is because I am very lonely. And I am so lonely that I am getting close to psychotic. Boy! I did not believe her when she first told me that in our session. And she got frustrated. And I was very hurt because I thought that the one person who I let get close is abandoning me. But I know that she will always be there for me, but I must be kind of frustrating for her to work with. Anyway, she said I should try and stop taking people into my own mind. Rather I should interact with people in the outside world. Which is what I am trying to do right now. The problem is that it is very frightening and scary for me to interact with people in the outside world. I am not exactly sure why. I think I am afraid that in the outside world, people respond back unpredicatably. Wherelse in a therapy setting or in my mind (same thing for me), I can always pretty much predict how my people will react. Does that make sense?
I think the reason I was very eager for people on this board to respond is because I get to have nonphysical responses. You know I can kind of filter through and find those responses that I can handle and place those responses that I can not somewhere else. I did figure if I "take on" the format that you guys are writing, I would be more acceptable. I desperately want to be included in your family. It is kind of part way between my mind and the outside world.
I do not think that I need support in terms of understanding and such as much as I need you guys just to keep talking and writing to me. It doesn't have to be too overwhelming. I mean you do not have to write anything in terms of being supportive or anything. It would be great just to say hi! I think I would very much welcome just making little exchanges with you guys. You know I am so addicted to this site now. I must check it every ten minutes or so. I really just want to get responses, any responses.
As to how I have been feeling...not good at all. I am mostly drained of energy, tired. But since I am a student and I have a heavy load of schoolwork, the loss of concentration/spacing-out is really effecting my schoolwork, which I care about dearly. The myth of being obsessed about schoolwork as a premed is definitely true. Except, I am justing trying to make it to class and get my homework done these days. I am not even striving for perfection any more. I think I am very bothered that my physician dream is dying away as I am continue to struggle with the schoolwork. It is not that I do not understand or can not do the work, I just can not concentrate. I think of it as losing time. This weekend has just been a blur. Losing time.
I am very glad that you responded with your follow-up. Somehow, it feels right. I kind of thought you guys may have come to a concensus not to responding to me anymore since I do not seem to be listening. I have definitely been reading everything, sometimes numerous times. I do not know if I have heard it all yet. Things just have a hard time to sink in to me. I guess I am both psychotic and stubborn.
Thanks. I feel that finally someone is speaking to ME.
I, too, thought Pritzker and Rzip were the same. I would like for you to know that your Pritzker posts raised concerns in me, and that was why I started this thread.
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> It seemed apparent you were fantasizing lots, and yet didn't want to talk with your therapist, and yet really seemed distraught. And I was worried about how long someone could continue that way without needing significant help.
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> You appear to be a caring person, and I'm sure you would have concerns about someone who seemed to be reaching out, but wouldn't get help.
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> What I would like the very, very most of all is for you to write a post to me (or whomever you choose) that is strictly from your heart and mind about how you are doing.
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> In the above post, you said you were shy. That seemed honest, and not like you were trying to write or think like someone else. The only thing you need to be on this board is you, yourself. You can just say what is on your mind or in your heart, not trying to be like or say what you think we want to hear.
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> You are enough, and it's you we would like to get to know. The real you, and if you have a problem like it's hard to make friends, we can all talk about that. Probably that is something a lot of people here deal with (I do).
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> You (as you yourself) are very welcome here. We are just ordinary people, talking about what we feel and experience, and certainly there is always room for one more.
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> However, I just felt so confused by the Pritzker posts, and concerned. I'd much rather have you be yourself.
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> Shar
poster:Rzip
thread:1083
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1109.html