Posted by Rzip on October 16, 2000, at 21:47:57
In reply to Re: A little clarification please...., posted by Mark H. on October 16, 2000, at 19:46:06
> Everyone,
O.k. I get the point. I was wrong to think and act the way that I did.
I have been listening and reading all the posts. I understand that first of all, people are mad at me because I touched a nerve and was acting out in an inappropriate way. Then, people are mad at me because I did not acknowledge the good intentioned advices given. And now everyone is talking around me which is more hurtful than anything else. I want people to talk to ME. You know we can talk about how our day has been or something.
But I guess no one wants to talk to me now that they found out I am so self-centered. That's sad. I started telling my mentor at work that I suffer from depression and that's why I seem so disoriented these last couple of days. I guess he is finding out that he can not count on me as much as he thought. I also worked for him during the summer and I was able to devote my heart and soul to his research. So when school started, he kind of expected the same from me-- but I couldn't exactly deliver because I am getting ill again. I think this is the first time I intentionally disappointed him. It just got to be too much last week.
I know that you guys are thinking that I am focusing internally, on myself again. So, what do you want me to do to help you? I looked through the threads and except for the ones that I tried to answer (I noticed that no one respond to my follow-ups afterwards), I really do not seem to be able to connect to you guys.
I do feel your pain and I am amazed at the degree of honesty and upfrontness that you guys are able to communicate with one another. I am thinking that perhaps it is better if people do not actually respond to my threads, and I'll just check-in every so often and read and learn from you guys. But then, it goes to my initial point: I feel left out. But then perhaps I deserve to be.
Sincerely,
Yours trulyDear Greg,
>
> Your request for clarification is worded in such a way that there isn't a lot of room to offer you observations or advice without risking offending you, so I'm going to say what I'd say if you were my best friend.
>
> You wrote, "I find this whole thing very distressing." That's clear. There is only one person responsible for your distress (or any other feeling you have); do you know who that person is?
>
> "...how much of my life I can feel free to share here in the future," is an implied threat of abandonment and/or withholding, and it is predicated on someone else controlling your feelings. Were you abandoned? Did others withhold affection and respect if they did not like your opinion or attitude? Is that how you enforce agreement in your relationships with others?
>
> "...what is acceptable to write in order to receive support and constructive feedback at this site" is a disingenuous question, because you have already twice said that you thought Caroline's response to Pritzker was a personal attack and "abusive," even though others have already said they perceived it otherwise. Your question is a trap, and as such it's less than honest.
>
> Do you think that only one point of view can be "right," and that any other, ipso facto, must be "wrong"? Do you recognize "I have to be right or I'm an awful person" as a thought typical of recovering alcoholics and not necessarily accurate or useful?
>
> When I put myself in the shoes of the original poster, as you suggested, I am grateful for the thoughtful, careful, and progressively more direct responses that were written, including especially Caroline's response (given the lack of substantive feedback to the previous responses).
>
> It is not particularly compassionate, kind or supportive (in my opinion) to coddle people who are doing bad behavior because we wouldn't want to risk hurting their feelings. As my old therapist liked to put it, if a child runs into traffic, you don't say in measured tones, "Honey, please consider the safety aspects of your behavior." It's not much consolation at the kid's funeral to say, "Well, I never once raised my voice to him."
>
> You wrote, "It's like having your boss tell you 'you did a wonderful job on the project I gave you....but,' it becomes meaningless." This is an important thing for you to have shared, because believe it or not, the compliment does NOT become meaningless for many of us, maybe even most of us. In fact, it's the way life really is. Things are very rarely all or nothing, all good or all bad, or even right or wrong. I'm a good person, AND I have a lot I need to work on. I did well on a project yesterday, AND today I am procrastinating. I'm kind and considerate, AND sometimes I'm a completely self-centered jerk.
>
> If you let "accurate self-knowledge" replace "how you feel about yourself," your feelings don't have to flop around based on what other people think, and your boss can't take away the value of his or her compliment by saying "but...". If his compliment is accurate, it's great to receive the feedback. If her criticism is valid, it's good to have the course-correction. One shouldn't puff you up, and the other shouldn't knock the wind out of you, right?
>
> Probably the most liberating thing you could do on this issue/thread would be to state that you accept the POSSIBILITY that you might have been wrong; that YOU might have been the one jumping to conclusions and "leveling unfounded criticisms"; that maybe stern support isn't necessarily "abusive"; and that you're still OK just the way you are.
>
> You are a respected and valued contributor to this board, and nothing you've written (or that I've written, for that matter) changes or affects that fact. I appreciate you.
>
> Mark H.
poster:Rzip
thread:1083
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1157.html