Posted by Solstice on November 11, 2010, at 10:52:50
In reply to Re: NOT being a good mom, posted by B2chica on November 11, 2010, at 9:43:22
Hi B2> ok, so i got SMASHED! before my t appt.
> i dont even remember that much of my session except screaming at her, crying and literally on the floor begging her to kill me.
> i didnt feel i was there long and i threw the bottle of vodka at her direction (and grabbed my crap and walked out).Wow. I've felt my share of desperate pain - but cannot even imagine how deep the fear and pain must be for this to unfold.
>
> UNfortunately i meet with her agin today.Maybe not unfortunately. If you have a therapist who can stay with you through this kind of crisis, your making yourself stay in it may be the key to figuring out what is driving the self-destructive aspects of your behavior. In earlier posts you described (I think I'm remembering this right) calling your therapist, but then what sounded to me like being intensely afraid of the vulnerability the actual contact would unleash. During my journey with my therapist, my desperate fight against what I needed most, I felt what you describe. I would be in a crisis of pain and wrestle with it for so long trying to not need my therapist. Then, in some desperate moment I would send a text pouring out my dispair. When my phone rang and my therapist's name popped up - I would panic. The thought of hearing that voice terrified me. I couldn't manage the conflict between my desperate need to 'touch' that base, and the unbearable act of 'allowing' myself to rely on that connection. It was just intolerable to me. My anxiety would shoot throught he roof as I was paralyzed between my need and my fear. When I did't answer, sometimes my therapist would call again later - or email me. The important thing here is that what happened with me is that I made myself stay *in* it. It was hard. At times I thought I wouldn't survive the unbearable feeling of relying on and believing in the therapeutic caring that was extended to me. There is no way for me to describe how glad I am that I stayed with it.
>
> ***********
> i think im mad because i know i need to end it with her.
> i think she's done as much as she can.
> or maybe she holds too many of my secrets.
> i dont know.
> but i think we need to end.
There you are, B2. Your 3rd line says it all. If this has been a good therapeutic relationship - maybe it's that you know you can't *hide* from yourself in that relationship. Self-medication, of course, is a form of hiding from ourselves. An escape. A way to not face it or deal with it. You may be suffering from a sense of shame. I did. Shame is never helpful - no matter what you've done. And shame is weird. I don't know exactly how it dissipated - but I do know that it's dissipation is directly related to my relationship with my therapist... in the acceptance... in experiencing my pain at every level of its intensity in that room in the presence of my therapist, and never feeling judged (other than by myself).. in repeatedly (over time) experiencing and re-experiencing that relationship staying sturdy no matter what was taking place inside me. I believe that what was taking place was that after having been starved from the beginning of my life of any kind of intimate connection... after having a very unreliable source of connection through my parents... I was going through the process of the establishing of a secure attachment - but first I had to break through a primal fear of it. My fright of experiencing attachment was enormous. As much as in my head I *knew* this would be good for me, I could not control the life-or-death urging I felt to run for the hills and avoid it at all costs. That fear was so primal - probably rooted in the persistent emotional neglect I experienced when I was too young to have any way to understand it or cope with it. So I had to bear that inner struggle repeatedly. All I can say is thank God my therapist didn't give up. Thank God T did not take my struggle as a 'statement' about T's therapeutic effectiveness. Thank God my therapist was balanced enough to bear my repeated rejection of the care extended to me. I've wondered if my therapist felt vulnerable to my rejection. There have been times T has said (as a result of my reaching out and pushing away) "When you didn't answer, I wondered if I had done something (therapeutically) that was problematic.. I wondered if you were upset with me about something... I wondered 'How do I therapeutically respond to this?'"I would really encourage you to stay *in* it. Unless your therapist is doing something harmful - don't run away now. As for 'she's done all she can do' - I don't know. When I wanted to run away from attachment, I also questioned whether my therapist and I had plateued (sp?). What I realize now though, is that I just wanted a reason to run from the threat of attachment. If I had done that, sure - I could have found another therapist and enjoyed a nice little honeymoon phase of re-telling my stories. Maybe I could have learned some interesting new things. But I'd end up in the same place - fighting and running from the risk of attachment.. from being emotionally vulnerable in that relationship. There's no way for me to know whether it is your issue too, but achieving that attachment has been the key to my healing. The only way to know is to stay *in* the relationship long enough to find out.
> i'm sad that the war is within my own mind. that no one can reach in grab it and hold it and tell it, its going to make it.
>It's good to understand that it's internal. That helped me bear the unbearable process of letting myself develop a secure attachment to my therapist. Maybe you need to just stand still for now.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:968232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/969772.html