Posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 9:10:37
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants. » B2Chica, posted by sigismund on November 4, 2010, at 2:32:01
hey lucie and sig
well, baby just turned 1 a few months ago. i hesitantly stopped nursing in july cuz ALL my docs urged me to do it while in summer months....i was kinda pi$$ed that i did, cuz i've been just fine until a few weeks ago. (so i could have made it a year with nursing).
As like last time, i was almost conviced my hormones had been shifted and all was gonna be good.
However, (maybe tmi for some) i hadn't started my period (thus no excess progesterone which i think causes some of the issues).
but a few weeks ago my OB was concerned that it had been three months since ending nursing and i still had not started AF, so she started me on progestin, after 8 days my symptoms slowly came back, starting with rage and irritability, then sadness. my AF ended monday, and hell began...
i cant sleep, i cant eat...(i'm actually starving, but then when i reach for some kind of food that sounds even remotely good, my anxiety does a ramp up and i get nauseous.)My oldest is 3.5, and youngest 1. They are THE MOST AMAZING babies i could have Ever been blessed with.
Thats why this time around, i WILL keep fighting.
Suicide is just NOT an option.
But as some of you know....sometimes not having that "backup plan" makes the emotional pain even worse..because you KNOW you have no way out.
I called pdoc's office back and asked for sooner time, she will call if she can get me in sooner.
and my T.
ok, you all are going to get pi$$ed at me but my T called me yesterday afternoon (shortly after i wrote the post) But i couldnt answer. there's something about her voice that, well sets me off. i think because i'm so used to being vulerable with her. Theres something inside me saying that i just CANT be vulnerable right now. that if i am, it will allow a window for a landslide to come in...
so i texted her back. literally begging her to not contact me. i dont want her to worry, but i need to shutdown right now. go completely inside. its the only protection i remember right now. at least until i get back on my meds.
i just cant guys. i cant hear her voice. it will tear me apart.
i told her kinda what i mentioned here...that it all came back so fast and fierce that i need to shutdown and not communicate with anyone...that the emotions are TOO much, too much anger, too much fear,and the sadness...God that sadness guys, i forgot how CRUSHING it is...
i felt like my heart was being RIPPED apart.
i am feeling slightly better this morning. (but i'm also running on little over 2 hours sleep).
so im not sure if i'm feeling better or just totally numb.isnt it strange that even when i shutdown to the rest of the world, i can usually still post here...
i'v forgotten how amazing this place is.Thank you,
and i'll be around.
b2c.
poster:B2Chica
thread:968232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968338.html