Posted by pedr on September 27, 2009, at 17:47:21
In reply to Re: Phobic of depression » pedr, posted by obsidian on September 25, 2009, at 19:14:42
> sorry you hadn't gotten a response...sounds awful :-(
thanks sid - it hasn't been a fun time, no :/ Sorry for not replying sooner - just moved apartments and had no internet.
> kind of like an OCD mixed with depression?
> ...like the thing you try most not to think about is the thing that of course pops into your mind?
exactly. I have heavy OCD aspects woven in with the depression e.g. "don't think x, don't think y" and of course, you've already thought them. I've followed ACT for a bit, which is very strong on this sort of stuff but ultimately didn't help me much e.g. http://books.google.com/books?id=q65CHYyzjzUC&pg=PA25&lpg=PA25&dq=acceptance+commitment+therapy+yellow+jeep&source=bl&ots=mYowpNhiX5&sig=ozYY1Zut7Y_FYf_5bMSlwFrIbMU&hl=en&ei=A-m_SrfXON3k8Aahw4mxAQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=5#v=onepage&q=&f=false
> do you feel like you somehow could have prevented it if you'd fought the negative thoughts??
The only way I could have prevented this 12 year nightmare would have been not to have tried so hard in the first place to 'toughen myself up'. That is what sowed the seed of depression and OCD. Fighting the negative thoughts is a very difficult thing for me since I tend to start fighting every thought and become hyper-vigilant and start thinking "don't think x negative thought" and ... get worse.
> there's a chicken and the egg question then?
very much. Fighting thoughts is a balancing act. Fight the wrong way and you dig a deeper hole for yourself.
> are negative thoughts the result of depression or is depression the result of negative thoughts?...
depends if the depression is endogenous or reactive I think. If it's endogenous then the depression comes first. Reactive probably starts with high levels of negative thoughts first. For me it was certainly reactive but then again both my grandfathers had depression and so I could well be predisposed too. Lucky me eh! ;)
> I don't think they're mutually exclusive.
> ...these are my random thoughts in response to your post, I don't know if it makes sense.
> monitoring your thoughts like that though, is that exhausting?
utterly exhausting. I remember so many days of not ostensibly having done anything much but having spent so much time fighting, obsessing, blaming, hating mentally, just feeling utterly, utterly exhausted. Now that I am feeling better (and I pray it continues) I feel far less tired even though I'm doing more activities. Ask anyone with depression - it's horribly tiring with no appreciable outputs.