Posted by pedr on September 23, 2009, at 19:42:53
Hi,
about 12 years ago I got dumped and really hurt (first love etc.). I figured that if I mentally pictured people rejecting me, it would toughen me up so that if I got dumped again, I wouldn't feel so bad. Sounds logical enough right? Well I got obsessed with doing this and quickly became very depressed. This culminated in 3 or 4 days where I just stayed in my bedroom in a pseudo catatonic state, just staring into space.To cut a long(er) story short, this period and how I dealt with it traumatized me. The feeling of being so out of control of myself, the deep feelings of depression, the inability to move or do anything. I've never been able to get over it and it plagues me to this day. I fear that every time I think a negative/irrational thought, since it will make me feel depressed, it might "take me back there". So of course, this leads me to monitor all my thoughts and to blame myself whenever I have a negative/irrational thought. And this blame... you guessed it - makes me feel depressed. And hence I have been stuck in this hellish self-fuelling rut for 12 years.
So my shrink and I agree that I am phobic of depression and of having negative/irrational thoughts. Is anyone else out there traumatized by an intense period of depression? Does anyone else blame themselves for thinking negative thoughts? Is anyone else phobic of depression?
Pete
poster:pedr
thread:918212
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/918212.html