Posted by muffled on May 11, 2009, at 13:10:46
In reply to Re: Apparently my T's plan is... » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 10, 2009, at 20:29:32
> Yep. I've been hesitant to bring it up again, afraid of the answer if I push. But it's making me crazy.
>
> She told me she needed some ideas from me about what I need her to do. This is what I have so far:
>
> 1. Tell me exactly what I can expect in terms of frequency of contact via phone and in person.*Ya, as exact as she can anyways. Like maybe you could make a list and she could tick off those which apply, then she can't weasle out of it.
Like
1. email contact and 1 reply 1x/mo
or
2. email 1x/wk, but only 1 reply/mo
or
3. 1 10 min. phone call/mo.
or
4. 1 phone call and 1 email/mo.
or ?
-she might add, no crisis calls....cuz she can't deal with that from a distance....
Contact is just for you to know "she out there...".
Thats how it worked for me w/old T.
I still have occasional casual contact.
I am waiting 2 yrs, then we may or may not choose to be 'friends' at that point.> 2. Give me specific, concrete things to do to deal with the pain. (Surely she can do this, right?)
*ummm I dunno, it just friggen gonna hurt :(
Basic stages of grief stuff might be useful...
And yes, it DOES get easier...> 3. STOP asking me if I want a referral. Even if I manage to eventually talk myself into this, it feels too much like the replacement thing right now and I can't deal with it. Last week, I almost asked her how she would feel if someone told her she should be dating (her husband died last fall). Because that's the way it feels to me. She is not just my T, in my mind and in my heart she's my family. And I can't just switch to someone else. I can't even think about it right now.
*weeelllll
I dunno that I agree w/your interpretation here....
Of course what you FEEL is what you feel, and feelings can be awfully illogical, but we still gotta deal w/them...Anyhow, if you grumpy, don't read below....
I been having awful PMS myself and been grumpy, but this below is not grumpy, just MY perception, just so's you can contemplate and mebbe it can help.So
I don't interpret getting a new T as 'replacing' old T. My old T was who she was and I did not 'replace' her. My new T is NOTHING like her.(lol! I kinda pissed at my T right now cuz she going away 3 wks, so I not feeling very charitable towards her...)Old T was SO much more cosy and she was same religion as me. So replace- no, but I changed as I needed ongoing support.
So, if you were going to lose ongoing contact with a very supportive family member.....wouldn't you want support to get thru that? Its a real loss. Especially when is is SO emotionally charged.
I think this is why you two are having such a problem with this parting of the ways. You are two human beings that are very very connected. Its not really a common average T relationship. Its going to be VERY hard to let go. Its going to be very hard for BOTH of you to keep clear heads on this.
So this is why I am sorry, but I keep badgering you to get outside help with this.
Even if temporarily, or even maybe you could sit down as a threesome and discuss stuff?
Its just a real real hard situation you got here.
And if it was a special friend(and not T) that was involved, I'd recommend counselling.....so why is this any different then? Your T is not magic, she's just a person, and this is likely very hard and confusing for her too. She probably has support thru this....where is your support thru this? It can't really be T, cuz she leaving....
I think for the sake of having a better parting(or mostly parting-you will have contact, and she's not dead) and not having this all go bad and ugly, then you need to get an outsider to help counsel the both of you thru this. Thats what counsellors are FOR. To be able to step back and give an uninvolved perspective on things.I am sorry if I am making you angry.
I only wrote this cuz I trust that you understand that I only want what is best for you.
And if you were my sister, I would be saying exactly these things to you, cuz thats what family does, cuz they care, and they trust that even though we may get angry w/each other, we will eventually sort things out.
Please take care.
I am concerned.
I would like to see you guys part more amicably.
((((((((((TG))))))))))))
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:894390
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895190.html